The Reality of Relationships

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AAEAAQAAAAAAAAvaAAAAJGFmYjczMDZjLWZmNjAtNDkzNi05ZWEyLWIxZmY4ODk4OTYzNgYour Physical Reality is a ‘Reflection’ of Your Inner Reality

This is a profound statement and if you deconstruct and reflect on this simple line you can get answers to so many unanswered questions. Most of the times we get so caught up with our own reality that we go numb to the parallel realities being created all around us.

You must have heard about the parallel reality/worlds/dimension….. sounds really interesting and probably most of us think about movies like Interstellar and Matrix when we think about these statements.

So here I am writing this piece of blog with my reality which is full of purpose and excitement like that of a thinker and writer you know the likes of Wayne Dyer / Eckhart Tolle … as I feel I am going through a satori moment and there in another room I have a parallel reality going on my husband busy on his laptop working on an office assignment probably thinking he has one of the most important works to deliver tonight and this is not the only reality ..there is one more reality shaping up alongside ours a two year old obsessed with her pen and notebook drawing interesting lines and shapes and completely unaware of any other reality except hers. So one moment and 3 parallel realities this is at a micro level happening in one family , imagine this is reflected at the macrocosm …. so it can be extrapolated to the reality of a Locality, City, Country , World, Planetary Logoi, Solar Logoi , Universe and Multiverses….. I am sure we cannot even imagine how many realities are being created every iota of a second.

Okay too much to imagine  🙂 so let us just come back and simplify

Just reflect on your relationship for now , the single most important relationship you have today let us deep dive and understand how a single relationship can sometime create a battle of realities leading to emotional distance, heartaches, infidelity, breaking of trust….and there is a long list…

breakup

As a relationship consultant for almost half a decade now and as a wife and mother I have actually lived multiple realities with every story / situation I have been exposed to. So when a wife wants a healing for a cheating husband or a husband complains about a wife who is constantly nagging and is unbearable each of the individual is only thinking and living their own perceptual reality without even trying to attune to the other partner’s perceptual reality. In fact when a couple is going through a divorce/extramarital /separation /argument/ cold war each  partner is just living in an ego centric bubble without being attuned to each other’s reality and if there is a child you can imagine her/his reality is not even into consideration .. it is difficult to explain but this is what is happening in most of the relationships.

The problem is the inability to attune one self to other realities, the indifference, the numbness to other people’s emotions and feelings. Over the period of time it leads to emotional isolation, pain and here most of the relationships go through a painful death. Some people walk away / separate /divorce while others who decide to stay just create walls around themselves to stay away from any hurt and pain or get into a convenient set up (extramarital /emotional affairs) . Which over the period of time are just coping strategies because changing partners/ affairs/separation/ emotional isolation all of these are only reinforcing  Your Physical Reality is a ‘Reflection’ of Your Inner Reality.

If you are going through such an experience in your life or have gone through it , you really need help and support to pop your bubble of perceptual reality so that you can be aware of those around you, their emotions and their needs.  You need to accept people and their reality no matter how painful it may seem. Do not resist people because you cannot deal with negative emotions if you have this tendency probably you do the same to yourself. When I am working with relationship issues , I have observed that people have subconscious inner child issues , the adult relationship is rarely accepting their own childhood issues as at that time no one could see what you were going through and over a period of time you became blind to other people’s issues and numb to their feelings. You created your own bubble of what you want, how you want and when you want completely unaware of the needs of others.

Yesterday my daughter was in the park she is an animal lover and has a friend kitty a white cat in the society, as soon she saw her she rushed to pick her up. The cat was injured slightly on her leg but Samaira could not see it as she was so excited to play with her. She went to pick the cat by her neck and we had to stop her ,she became very upset , cried and howled. She is a two year old and does not have the understanding of the pain the cat was going through, she could not perceive that holding the cat by the neck could hurt the cat, the cat could also bite in defence and so on… imagine if she did handle the cat this way and accidentally the cat died she would not even understand what went wrong. She was just loving the way she knows.

This is a real life example , most of the couples in relationship actually go through a similar experience being completely unaware of how their action/ words and emotions could affect the other person. As they are only focussed on their egocentric reality. Most of the so called adults are still struggling with their inner child issues , where they adapted to parents who could not feel the emotions of their children.

Now when we deal with the inner children of adults who are struggling in a relationship one can observe two types of behaviours:

Type 1: People who are just so much focussed on their needs and reality that they are numb to the emotional needs and realities of others 

Type 2: People who are overtly aware of other people needs that while being attuned to each and every relationship around them they have lost touch with their own emotional needs or their own reality

Both of these are extreme ends neither of which can create healthy relationships and sometimes you find Type 1 moving to Type 2 based on their needs in a relationship. These behaviours are actually childhood conditioning and has nothing to do with their so called adult self. How these behaviours are formed in childhood?

There is a child who is naughty/ shouts/shows tantrums and the parents keep saying you are a BAD BOY, you do not behave well see your brother he is so well behaved and is such a GOOD BOY . The ‘Good Boy’ gets all the love and affection and is so conditioned for love he tries his best to please his parents by becoming so attuned to the parent’s need that forgets all about his own emotional needs. He also masks his shadow behaviour (jealousy/anger) to ensure he is loved.

On the other hand The BAD boy feels he is not understood and is compared. No one understands him and so decides to stay the Bad Boy and over a period of time goes numb to the emotional needs of their parents.

This Bad Boy can also try to fit in the Good Boy space and manipulate his behaviour so that he is loved and accepted.

favoritismo

The conventional parenting style is such that most of us either fall in GOOD or BAD category and when you grow up you see the world with those limited perceptions and create your beliefs around yourself and others based on your childhood experiences. These beliefs become the foundation of your relationships in the world.

So just look around do you see these behaviours in your Relationships?? If the answer is YES!!

Then again introspect and remember your ‘Relationship with Others is a Reflection of Your Relationship with Self’ So what is your relationship with the significant others, what are you reflecting. If the other person is merely a reflection of your unhealed aspect then no matter how much you wish the reflection to change you will fail.

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What to do if you think you are going through the same matrix in your relationship. If there is hurt, pain, betrayal and you feel unwanted and unloved?

  1. Become Aware, only if you are aware about yourself , you can be aware about others
  2. Understand your Emotional needs and your own blocks in meeting those needs. Inner Child Healing is a fantastic technique for same.
  3. Try to attune to other people’s reality feel what it is to be in their situation without judgement
  4. Understand that nothing happening around you or to you is personal , people act and behave based on their own reality and limited perceptions
  5. Be expressive of your emotional needs and give what you want in love. Be LOVE to Attract LOVE
  6. Be intense in expressing love, appreciate, hug, give gifts, help your loved ones. Learn the 5 Love Languages
  7. Being there mentally, emotionally and physically with your partner and spending time together is very very important. Plan a vacation, a dinner, play games, laugh together.
  8. Develop trust and healthy boundaries , be aware of what can hurt either of you and create those boundaries this will gradually develop more trust in the relationship
  9. Do not try to quick fix things in life take your time to express your feelings of hurt and give space to people to reflect and resolve any issues
  10. Be vulnerable , one cannot love with armours , you have to be vulnerable and give in to love

You can connect for a one on one Inner Child Healing Session on http://www.sargammishra.com

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