So we completed an amazing workshop of Enlightened Relationships in the month of Love. Once again as we concluded this workshop I was left with some thoughts on how everyday people create a recipe for dis functional relationships and then we spend our life looking for solutions. One of the biggest issues that I see among couples is their underlying silent contracts based on their transactions in love and manipulation to meet their needs. Before we deep dive let us understand what is a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP?
A transactional relationship is a relationship where both (or all) parties are in it for themselves, and where partners do things for each other with the expectation of reciprocation. This expectation in relationships is underlying not verbally communicated or agreed , it is a kind of one sided contract with a one sided understanding. For example you being with your partner when he or she is unwell silently expecting he will be there with you too when you need him. If this does not happen you feel betrayed, let down. Silently you binded the person in a contract which he/she was not aware.
Anything done to a partner /relationship without unconditional love but in anticipation of reciprocation is like silently creating a one sided contract without mutual agreement.
Almost all relationships start here. People tend to date a person because of what they get out of it. Doing otherwise would actually be kind of weird. Genuine concern for a partner’s well-being (some might call it “love”) is something that generally grows as the relationship progresses. But some relationships never get past the transactional stage.
The roots of this kind of relationships are sowed early in the childhood where as soon as a child is born the parents start binding the child in several one sided contracts. The child is invisibly attached to the strings where they are suppose to take care of the parent’s expectations to meet the parent’s needs of feeling loved, understood and respected. The child is manipulated to do what the parent’s feel is best for the child. This is often done by using love and acceptance as a tool. So parent’s can cut off the supply of love and acceptance if a child goes against their wishes.
Since child hood you are told what you need to grow up as, which subjects to choose, what to aspire for so that the parent’s can feel important in the society and most of the times money is spent on you so that they are sure that in old age you are indebted to take care of them. None of this is said this way, I know I sound tooo bad, but somewhere silently we create these silent contracts and feel deeply betrayed when our child decides to marry a girl of their choice. The child chooses a career that he /she is passionate about. The child scores low in college and the list is long.
When this child grows up he /she uses the same tactics to manipulate the partner in love. Because this is what he or she knows about love. The following equations can be seen in a transactional relationship.
- Either meet people needs to be indespensable , the people pleaser attitude where a person has extremely low self esteem, low self love and self image and associates their worth from the love and appreciation they receive from their primary caregiver.
- The Give in expectation of reciprocation this is a silent contract, a person gives up friends to give more time to the partner, silently expecting the other partner to do so. Pays dinner bills expecting you would do so in return. Gives you gifts so that he receives them too.
- Buying love and loyalty by giving gifts or using money , silently binding people in contracts of obligation which they have never agreed to. I will pay for the house bills you take care of my physical needs a silent contract that is seen between couples where one is earning and the other is taking care of the house. Money can also be used to silently ensure the partner is silent to any discomfort /emotional/mental because using money they can shop and take care of their needs.
- Not creating boundaries in a relationship so that the other partner also does not have any boundaries.
The birth of a chid is a privilege a gift that the parents need to unwrap by nurturing and raising the child in partnership , to help the expansion of the child and allow it to connect with their own talents and gifts. Instead most of the parents use children as means of achievement in the world. The trophy that they can project when they have to prove their worth.Not realising that when these children grow up they will repeat the same mistakes in relationships creating conditional love and manipulative connections. The subconscious contracts that we create with ourself and our parents become the basis of our intimate relationships. If you were yourself unhappy being in such a conditional parental setup do you think it can work in a love relationship where you have much more flexibility to step out?
Love has been misunderstood greatly in the world , it has been associated with transactions. Less than 5% people are fortunate to experience parenting by parents who were unconditionally giving. There is no doubt why most of the relationships issues happen over these subconscious contracts.
Conscious relationship contracts are still better, when you directly sit and decide on what are the expectations in a relationship and agree mutually on it. This way you clear out any one sided underlying expectations.
Business transactions are such a tedious process because both the parties have to clearly lay down the terms and conditions. If any one of the T&Cs are not acknowledged the party can file a lawsuit. In love relationships we are constantly creating subconscious terms and conditions without even asking the partner to buy in and we feel betrayed and let down in a relationship. Is this even justified? Can this ever guarantee happiness and a lasting relationship?
This can be undone by stopping ourselves from repeating the same patterns and Inner Child Healing is one of the best tools to help you heal.
Life is about BEING FREE from these subconscious contracts which do not serve your highest good. Love because you feel you are in love not because it will beget love. Be aware of your tendencies to manipulate people in order to meet your needs.
Love because it makes you feel amazing, do things that express your passion not because everyone is doing it. Create Relationships that challenge you, make you vulnerable, make you explore your own gifts, push you to your limits of love.
Not because you can manipulate them to get love. It won’t be fulfilling !