I am sure we all have asked questions in our relationship about ‘Why is my relationship not working the way it used to be’ at some point in our life. I have heard words in sessions like “Our love is gone, there is no spark in our relationship. We used to feel close, but I think he doesn’t love me any more. Is he seeing someone else, we do not enjoy being with each other. etc etc. If they seem familiar to you probably you are struggling in speaking the right emotional Love Language of your partner. As Gary Chapman explains in his best selling book ‘No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese,you will never understand how to show love to each other.’ At the heart of human existence there is a deep desire to be intimate and to be loved.Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.
We all need love to feel good; each of us has an emotional love tank and it is important to keep it full for a healthy relationship. Having healthy arguments, disagreements and view points are perfectly alright now and then.
“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven
When we are ‘In Love’ we have these amazing chemical releases within our bodies so initially our partner appears to be the perfect soul mate we could ever have but gradually we get immune to these chemical activity and start to descend from the clouds of imaginations and plant our feet on earth to experience the reality. We can then recognize the irritating personality traits of our partner, where hairs are always in the sink and little white spots on the mirror, where arguments center around whether the toilet door should be closed or the lid should be up or down. In this real world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies and marriage a battlefield.
All this is a normal life of a couple; most of the time we have two options
1. We are destined to a life of misery with our spouse (or may be just fool around outside)
2. We must jump ship and try again( Re marriage)
Or there is a better way: Just reorganize the love experience 🙂 I know when we do not have any love around having to reorganize the love experience does not make sense. Lets understand it, if someone is extremely hungry he/she will want to eat but if he/she is all full even if you bring in the best of dishes he will say no. Same thing is with love if a person’s love tank is full , he will feel secure, the whole world looks bright and will want to focus on more meaningful things in life.
Here is an example of a couple:
I tell Selena I love her at least a few times each day – but the phrase has very little bearing on whether or not she feels loved. I can say it, text it, email it, and write it in the clouds but if my actions don’t show her I love her the words quickly lose their meaning – they’re merely a quick breath of air formed into three syllables of consonants and vowels.
I also show Selena I love her by kissing her. But kisses I give to her don’t mean as much as her kisses given to me. Why? Because we speak different love languages… Selena feels most loved when we spend good amounts of quality time together with good conversation. Nothing fills her love-bucket like a devoted day together – free from distraction and diversion. If I give her a kiss or tell her I love her after a day together, she knows it and she feels it.
I’m learning that speaking her language, her love language, actually involves very little speaking at all. Saying “I love you” with words is much more meaningful when it’s reinforced by action.
I believe it’s our duty as husbands (and wives) to learn how to best communicate love to our spouses. Once learned, it then becomes our glad obligation to speak their language regularly.
Let us see what these Love Languages are:
Dr. Gary Chapman has identified 5 Major Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmations – Verbal Compliments, or word of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
2. Acts of Service – For these people actions speak louder than words, doing the dishes, helping in with kids/home are their way of accepting love
3. Receiving Gifts – For some people what makes them feel most loved is to receive gifts
4. Quality Time – For these people it is about spending good quality time with their partner, no more phone calls, private vacation, a nice long drive or just a hearty talk
5. Physical Touch – A nice hug, a pat on the shoulder, a kiss or just holding hands these people want to feel the love in the touch.
I know you must be wondering that we all love may be to have all 5 of them but there is a primary love language and we should try to learn master it for both ourselves and for our spouse.
Here is how you can start to know what is your primary love language there is a short quiz:
Here is a step by step approach to start your Love Language journey 🙂
Step 1. Find out what is your Primary Love Language and also what is your partner’s
Step 2. Sit together when you are in each other’s happy company and try to learn more about it.
Step 3. Explore what works for both of you
Step 4. Learn to keep the Love Tank Full in your relationship by avoiding gestures (refer table below to start)
Step 5. Forgive and let go of the past and See your marriage and your partner in a brighter light
Disclaimer :All the above steps work only if you can love your self first. Refer my blog on Self Love. Remember a beggar can never give so first fill up your love tank with self love and then work on your relationship.
Understand every relationship can become beautiful , it just needs an emotional commitment and YOU can be the trigger.
You can also read “The 5 Love Languages” – By Dr. Gary Chapman and try experimenting. I am also adding few videos for you all. Have a wonderful relationship. – Love Sargam