Category Archives: Relationship

Relationship Beyond Transactions

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unconditional Love.png

So we completed an amazing workshop of Enlightened Relationships in the month of Love. Once again as we concluded this workshop I was left with some thoughts on how everyday people create a recipe for dis functional relationships and then we spend our life looking for solutions. One of the biggest issues that I see among couples is their underlying silent contracts based on their transactions in love and manipulation to meet their needs. Before we deep dive let us understand what is a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP?

A transactional relationship is a relationship where both (or all) parties are in it for themselves, and where partners do things for each other with the expectation of reciprocation. This expectation in relationships is underlying not verbally communicated or agreed , it is a kind of one sided contract with a one sided understanding. For example you being with your partner when he or she is unwell silently expecting he will be there with you too when you need him. If this does not happen you feel betrayed, let down. Silently you binded the person in a contract which he/she was not aware.

Anything done to a partner /relationship without unconditional love  but in anticipation of reciprocation is like silently creating a one sided contract without mutual agreement.

"TERMS AND CONDITIONS" Tag Cloud (contract legal use button)

Almost all relationships start here. People tend to date a person because of what they get out of it. Doing otherwise would actually be kind of weird. Genuine concern for a partner’s well-being (some might call it “love”) is something that generally grows as the relationship progresses. But some relationships never get past the transactional stage.

The roots of this kind of relationships are sowed early in the childhood where as soon as a child is born the parents start binding the child in several one sided contracts. The child is invisibly attached to the strings where they are suppose to take care of the parent’s expectations to meet the parent’s needs of feeling loved, understood and respected. The child is manipulated to do what the parent’s feel is best for the child. This is often done by using love and acceptance as a tool. So parent’s can cut off the supply of love and acceptance if a child goes against their wishes.

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Since child hood you are told what you need to grow up as, which subjects to choose, what to aspire for so that the parent’s can feel important in the society and most of the times money is spent on you so that they are sure that in old age you are indebted to take care of them. None of this is said this way, I know I sound tooo bad, but somewhere silently we create these silent contracts and feel deeply betrayed when our child decides to marry a girl of their choice. The child chooses a career that he /she is passionate about. The child scores low in college and the list is long.

When this child grows up he /she uses the same tactics to manipulate the partner in love. Because this is what he or she knows about love. The following equations can be seen in a transactional relationship.

  1. Either meet people needs to be indespensable , the people pleaser attitude where a person has extremely low self esteem, low self love and self image and associates their worth from the love and appreciation they receive from their primary caregiver.
  2. The Give in expectation of reciprocation this is a silent contract, a person gives up friends to give more time to the partner, silently expecting the other partner to do so. Pays dinner bills expecting you would do so in return. Gives you gifts so that he receives them too.
  3. Buying love and loyalty by giving gifts or using money , silently binding people in contracts of obligation which they have never agreed to. Ihearts-and-money-1113tm-bkgd-306.jpg will pay for the house bills you take care of my physical needs a silent contract that is seen between couples where one is earning and the other is taking care of the house. Money can also be used to silently ensure the partner is silent to any discomfort /emotional/mental because using money they can shop and take care of their needs.
  4. Not creating boundaries in a relationship so that the other partner also does not have any boundaries.

The birth of a chid is a privilege a gift that the parents need to unwrap by nurturing and raising the child in partnership , to help the expansion of the child and allow it to connect with their own talents and gifts. Instead most of the parents use children as means of achievement in the world. The trophy that they can project when they have to prove their worth.Not realising that when these children grow up they will repeat the same mistakes in relationships creating conditional love and manipulative connections. The subconscious contracts that we create with ourself and our parents become the basis of our intimate relationships. If you were yourself unhappy being in such a conditional parental setup do you think it can work in a love relationship where you have much more flexibility to step out?

Love has been misunderstood greatly in the world , it has been associated with transactions. Less than 5% people are fortunate to experience parenting by parents who were unconditionally giving. There is no doubt why most of the relationships issues happen over these subconscious contracts.

Conscious relationship contracts are still better, when you directly sit and decide on what are the expectations in a relationship and agree mutually on it. This way you clear out any one sided underlying expectations.

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Business transactions are such a tedious process because both the parties have to clearly lay down the terms and conditions. If any one of the T&Cs are not acknowledged the party can file a lawsuit. In love relationships we are constantly creating subconscious terms and conditions without even asking the partner to buy in and we feel betrayed and let down in a relationship. Is this even justified? Can this ever guarantee happiness and a lasting relationship?

This can be undone by stopping ourselves from repeating the same patterns and Inner Child Healing is one of the best tools to help you heal. 

Life is about BEING FREE from these subconscious contracts which do not serve your highest good. Love because you feel you are in love not because it will beget love. Be aware of your tendencies to manipulate people in order to meet your needs.

Love because it makes you feel amazing, do things that express your passion not because everyone is doing it. Create Relationships that challenge you, make you vulnerable, make you explore your own gifts, push you to your limits of love.

Not because you can manipulate them to get love. It won’t be fulfilling !

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Creating Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

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Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.  – Brené Brown

 

Sargam Mishra boundaries in relationships

This is going to be interesting 🙂 possibly the people pleasers might feel a bit offended but the reason why I am writing this blog is help all of you connect with your personal truth. Boundaries sound like a resistance in relationships but as a relationship consultant and energy healer I have learned how important it is to define our boundaries for personal happiness and growth.

Boundaries differentiate you as a person from others because of your uniqueness as an individual. Your individuality is your personal truth , your identity which defines your like, dislikes , preferences and create a sense of self. So today Sargam is different from ABC not only because of the way she looks but also because of her individuality…same applies to you.

However as soon as you get in a relationship specially love relationships you try to fit in to the expectations of your self. Expectations of your family, society, friends and the list is quite long……You do this to feel valued , to be loved, to be accepted and you easily cross your own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries in order to be accepted as a good wife, daughter in law, mother….

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So for example 1st day of the marriage  and you are expected to dress a certain way and sit among relatives when you are dying to catch some sleep. You compromise on your emotional boundaries and give in to the expectations….then the next some more….a week later some more compromises and then after 10 years of marriage you realise that you are UNHAPPY some of us are  Totally burned out  and just want to give up pretending any more and they do but then there are some who accept this way of life and continue to pretend all is good.

I get to talk to both kind of people the one who have given up on a relationship because it was too much of pain and hurt and violation of personal boundaries and also those who continue in the sad marriage and need to reconnect with their personal boundaries to find happiness, self love in life.

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Most of the relationship problem happen because we are not conditioned to speak about our personal boundaries , our likes , dislikes , emotional needs, physical desires, aspirations…. instead we want people to either guess them for us or we expect that they will also sacrifice their likes , dislikes, emotional needs , physical desires for us… you must have heard the C word COMPROMISE in relationships.  This is what some of your elders would have told you time and again just give yourself for love, marriage , your partner …. but trust me it does not work for long. This is one of the major reasons of a physical condition arthritis in men and women , the suppressed emotions locks up their joints. With pent up solar plexus and small heart chakra (the major energy centres in human anatomy) , diabetes, blood pressure, heart disease become the expression of the pain and suffering you have accumulated by being numb to your own emotions.

Relationships should never survive on pulling people out of their personal boundaries

You do not have good personal boundaries if :

  1. You are unable to say NO
  2. You feel Guilty after doing something
  3. When you feel you are acting against your integrity
  4. You are unable to communicate how you feel
  5. You are unable to check people if they violate your personal boundaries
  6. Emotionally you feel unhappy

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If you have been constantly engaging in the above behaviour you have personally violated your own personal boundaries. This is a sign of lack of self love and though I have been blowing the horn of self love in all my workshops it is very important to understand it.

YOU CANNOT GIVE OTHERS WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

So if feel you can love others when you are constantly out of alignment with your joy, happiness, purpose in life .. you are telling a lie to yourself. If you think you can love people when you do not love your self ….. you can never be in a healthy , happy , nurturing relationship. You cannot pour from an empty cup my friend

Love is about filling your cup and then overflowing to fill others.I know it sounds harsh but this is the TRUTH.

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To be able to enjoy your life, to be able to live an extraordinary intense life.. you need to connect with your internal GPS you have to connect with your emotions and feelings. You have to be aligned with your personal truth. Only you can know your boundaries as no one else can feel on your behalf.  No one can also teach you about creating personal boundaries.

Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom

How Do I Create My Personal Boundaries?

  1. It is a simple exercise but you will have to practise it every day to be able to discover your personal boundaries. Create a journal about things you really love and  things that upset you try to derive your boundaries based on it.
  2. Sit comfortably and as you reflect on your day identify the situations where you did not feel happy. Then ask yourself what was upsetting about the situation , write it down and then ask yourself what is the boundary that was violated? make a note of it. So for example somebody in office made a lewd remark and it was uncomfortable but others just laughed and moved on with their work. Just understand why were you hurt with this situation and what can you do to feel better. May be you feel you can tell the person it was not comfortable or may be just not participate in such gatherings. It is upto you.
  3. Practise honouring your feeling and emotions and communicate them with love and kindness
  4. Be conscious about how you feel in different situations to understand your own needs and desires
  5. Make Self love a conscious choice you can read my blog on Self Love
  6. Practise being Authentic, do not fake your emotions and feeling once you get in this trap of faking there is no escape

Boundaries are created to create more loving and meaningful relationships do not use them to resist people and situation because resistance is an out of alignment behaviour.

Also remember your boundaries will evolve with time so be flexible based on your relationships and your own self ascension. When you will become more and more in tune and aware of your boundaries you will start honouring the boundaries of others because you will understand how valuable it is to maintain healthy boundaries. So you may start  out by feeling separate in the beginning but gradually you will understand that the ego evolves but discovering self happiness, self joy and self love and then it becomes appreciative as it understands everything is actually an expression of the source and hence is able to appreciate the oneness aspect.

If you like the blog post a comment and leave your email I will share my new Opening the Heart Centre Visualisation with you – Anahata Blossom

So as a mother my boundaries have expanded to include my child’s happiness but this is in alignment with my happiness. This is a mutual win win in any relationship. Allowing children to define their boundaries is one of the most empowering gift you can give them. So stop invalidating their fears, their insecurities instead hear them out and tell them you understand.

Samaira evaluating my notes on today’s blog 🙂

Love and Light

Sargam

 

Make A Wish – Taste of Love Affair With Life

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Sargam Mishra Happiness is settling for a mediocre desire

A child is born with overflowing ecstasy , I am sure you have seen a child smiling by oneself, passing smiles to strangers, playing with her own hands and legs. Not bothered about who is observing, how is she dressed or looks. The child just enjoys her being. By seeing or being with the child there is a sense of bliss a sense of joy which not many can resist. However as we grow this ecstasy should actually grow manifolds just like our height and weight 😛 but somehow as we grow we lose that treasure of ecstasy somewhere on our path to adulthood. It is then we start our unending search for happiness. We start living our lives in Pursuit of Happiness.

This Pursuit for Happiness starts when you start identifying with your sense of self ,with your body, your looks, money, status your needs followed by a constant comparison and contrast outside of us.More than 10% of the population is depressed and has no sense of direction in life. They are all just trying to live and be happy. Some of you are happy with your addictions of smoke, alcohol, money and relationships as this gives happiness for the time being. Once it is over you look for the next trigger to make you happy and life just continues.

Sometimes our happiness or struggle for being happy becomes driven by self that we forget how adversely it can impact people around us. It has become very important for us to realize that life was given not to just come and live to fulfill our own physical, emotional or mental desires it is meant to live this life to your full potential. It is about being a better version of yourself everyday in your life.

Lately we started the “This Diwali Make A Wish” event to pay gratitude to strangers considering them as angels of manifestation/source/God, the gift was given specially to strangers because most of us are comfortable to share with people we know. This was also done to avoid people at the receiving end to feel obligated to return this gift. The event is a huge success please find the link to the album for the pictures of the participants with their Gratitude Angels.

 

Make A Wish Logo Sargam Mishra

Make A Wish Picture Album

When we extend our sense of self ; by dis identifying with the thought “this is me this is not me” we will have no need to introduce people to what is right or what is not, what is morality , what is love. This is because once you start understanding the concept of oneness there is nothing as me and nothing as you. This realization does not happen for many of us over lifetimes. We have observed this in history and even today people are fighting over religions, land. money and some in the name of their happiness.As they have a strong sense of ‘What is Me and What is not Me’

As per my teacher Master Choa Kok Sui, service is an active meditation. In this event we used MCKS Twin Hearts Meditation and Great Invocation (A World Prayer) to bless Earth for happiness and peace. Master Choa’s words It is in Giving we Receive was the foundation of the event. When we increase the radius of our sense of self and reach out to people; sharing our selves , time, money, effort through service we are actually opening our heart (Chakra) for a larger love affair; A LOVE AFFAIR WITH LIFE.

So many of the participants were feeling that warmth, the extreme sense of satisfaction, love and gratitude while meeting and greeting these Gratitude Angels. For some of them this was their first encounter with the Love Affair with Life. I could see that immense joy on the faces and the child like spirit with which they wanted to go again and gift people as they were loving that wonderful feeling. These feelings can never be explained , the only way is to experience it.

So get involved with life, get involved with people and situations that bring joy around. Life is a beautiful love affair why restrict it to a few people? Whether people reciprocate or they do not, it should not matter because love is not about them it is all about who you are from within. Connect with that limitless source of ecstasy that lies within the child in you.

May all your wishes materialize rapidly and properly. So Be it.

Lots of Love – Sargam

Sargam Mishra Make A Wish

Sargam Mishra Make A Wish collage 1 Sargam Mishra Make A Wish collage

Relationship Vows and Woes (Promiscuity/Infidelity Vs Committed Relationship)

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Relationship Vows and Woes Sargam Mishra
Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by in a relationship. People who had vowed to be together or were committed to be in a relationship for a lifetime are seen thinking or acting out on exploring options in life. I have been wondering over this for years as I myself have been in a long committed relationship for nearly 15 years now and completing my 8th year of marriage. Trust me it was never easy as we both evolved through our relationship and walked our own life paths. Life brought up different situations and lessons to be handled from shades of greys to white. In today’s world 15 years with a single person does seem a long time :). With my own sweet and sour experience of this one relationship I end up being a Relationship Counsellor and Healer . Now the situation is nearly every day I am either observing or participating in relationship set ups and philosophies of my friends and clients.

I still have my moments of doubts on what is right or what is wrong ? Many a times I have noticed that it is hard to counsel people as they have such justifications for all the mess in their life due to relationships.Many of my friends/clients are still single even after being in several relationships one after the other , while some are married but have their own philosophies on marriage and promiscuity/emotional affairs etc. Still there are these lifetime vows that a couple takes during the marriage ceremonies ..till death do us apart and ends up breaking them sometimes within few months.

Today, we are living in a culture where it is not necessary that we have lived with one partner all our life. Things have changed over the time. A partner comes with an expiry date. When one gets in a relationship we think it is going to last forever, but within three months we start questioning our decision and think, “Oh, why the hell am I with this person?”

24 by 7 relationships are under scrutiny, they are being judged based on what you like about the relationship /partner and what you dislike.This constant evaluation restricts us from experiencing the person as he or she is. Instead we are always in the mode of analyzing how he or she could be better by suiting our requirements (Likes and Dislikes). Because of this, it is always off and on, off and on. When a relationship goes through so much internal scrutiny it cannot last long. This gives rise to promiscuity, adultery, emotional affairs and multiple partners causing enormous pain and suffering, which is totally unnecessary. I was in Greece when my husband was sharing that even in Greek culture people marry for having good quality kids so the parents look for the best match. In the Hindu system till date we have arrange marriages based on horoscope matching , however it is changing gradually. From love marriages being arranged to acceptance of love marriages and now even live in setup we are gradually accepting the changes. So we are catching up with the West 🙂

I have met several people in situations during counselling sessions and in my personal life where I was face to face with the question as to why should one limit one self to a long and boring monogamous relationship when one can have sex or be emotionally attached with multiple partners, a few nights here, a few weeks there, over and over again? We see others having a great time in such a set up and some just blame it all on God 🙂 if it was not suppose to be it would not have been.

Now if we can understand God and the humongous responsibility of billions of people on Earth and then several others on other planets and who knows many galaxies. He must be too busy to schedule and plan multiple relationships in your life. I am sure he has better things to do. So this is something you are creating based on your choice which is driven by your needs and your character (evolved over a period of time). In Spiritual world the sex energy is the source of all creation, it helps in awakening Kundalini and is a gateway to yoga of highest kind.However considering the slow evolution of the human being it was used and abused to satisfy the lower nature (animal instincts) of human being. Now if we understand energy anytime you interact closely with any person you experience entanglement of your energy. If you do this exercise of falling in and out of love too often, if you go on playing around with too many people, after some time you will become numb, you do not like anybody because your emotions and the response of your body to these emotions is numb.

Remember how easy it is to remember an exclusive experience? Your first kiss or your first date but when you are with several people then your mind will be constantly comparing all the experiences. This subtle energy entanglement or entanglement of physical, emotional and mental bodies is called Runanubandha or entanglement.

Recently I met a lady (50 years old) married having a 21 year old kid she had undergone a surgery,  a major surgery and she was confiding how she was having the memories of the beautiful time spent with her boyfriend before marriage. She was feeling extremely guilty as she could not understand why were these thoughts haunting her after more than 30 years of her marriage. She approached me to help her come out of this guilt and help erase these feelings from her energy body using healing. As a Pranic Healer it was an interesting assignment for me but again it made me think how every cell in our body is designed to store memory. A single cell knows where it has to be placed in the body ; it knows whether it will grow as a tooth or a an organ or help build the bone. This was phenomenal aha moment for me. So if like me you thought the brain is the mind it is not. Brain is just a part of the body. Mind is a combination of memory and intelligence.The body has far more memory than the brain and this is the basis of genetics. Your body still actively remembers what happened a million years ago. Genetics is just memory. So today if my eyes look like my great grand mom this is because of the memory stored within my genes in the body. In Indian culture, this physical memory is called runanu bandha. It is our memory that binds us to things around us.

An interesting video by Sadhguru on Mind

An interesting example is given by Sadhguru

“Suppose you went home and you forgot who your father and mother are, what would you do? It is not the blood or the love, it is the memory that tells you this person is your mother or father. It is only memory that breeds relationship and bondage. If you lose your memory, anyone will look like an absolute stranger to you.”

When people have sex with each other, the mind may forget it, but the body will never forget. If you get a divorce, no matter how much you hate your spouse – still you will go through pain because the physical memory can never be lost.

Even if you just hold someone’s hand intimately enough for a certain period of time, this will never be forgotten, because your palms and your soles are very effective receptors.It is best to limit intimacy to the minimum. Today so many of us are driven to find true purpose of our lives, we want to meditate and gain more than just money and fame.Imagine if your energies are so entangled you are no longer you. You are an accumulation of energy from various sources some you have no idea about. This was the idea for having a committed relationship.The body needs stable memory – people feel this. Their spouse may not be physically great or intellectually great, they may be quarreling on the surface, but still they would sacrifice anything to be with them, because somewhere, they understand that this gives them maximum comfort and wellbeing. This is because your physical memory rules your life much, much more than your mental memory. The very way you are right now is ruled by your physical memory, not by your mental memory.

That is why monogamy is still preferred, unless one of them dies and the other one remarries. But now, before you are 25, you had 25 partners – people are already paying the price for that – 10% of the population in the United States is on antidepressants. One major contributing factor is they do not know where they belong, because the body is confused.

More insights on erasing the physical memory can be found:

http://www.ishafoundation.org/blog/lifestyle/relationships/exclusive-committed-relationship/

After a lot of reflection the only thing that I could conclude was that there is nothing as right or wrong it is a choice. “So have I committed a sin by being promiscuous? Being in a committed relationship will I go to heaven? Or have a super happy life?? It is not on that level. Every action has a consequence. This is not a moralistic reality; it is a certain existential process. If you do certain things with your mind, certain consequences will come. If you do certain things with your body, certain consequences will come. The decision was and is always yours.

Lots of Love!

Sargam

Emotional PAIN – Doorway to Inner Alchemy

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Pain the doorway to Inner Alchemy Sargam Mishra

This blog is a part of a conversation with a parent whose child recently went through a break up and was extremely miserable. It is really amazing how thoughts get triggered when I am put in situation 🙂 The approach that was followed by the parent was to provide the child as many self help tips and valuable advise that was available to disconnect him from the PAIN but finally there was nothing that was actually working for him. The reason that I feel that self help gyan, spirituality etc does not work at this time is because it means we are somewhere we are not suppose to be.

I was just thinking if we keep reinforcing that the situation due to which a person is in PAIN is something that in first place should not happen and if it has happened one needs to be out of it asap or run from it. This can create a feeling of shame or failure in the child/person. Instead if we can follow the approach that it is just OKAY to go through a situation in life to learn as we are not born with experience instead we gather it on our life journey, this becomes a more positive situation for the child/person.

It takes 3 seconds flat to come to this life and realize PAIN is part of our life. But it takes an entire life to accept the reality that YES PAIN is a part of our life and it is OKAY…….Stop running away from facing the reality that yes life will be painful whenever we will fall out of a relationship, or when we will lose our loved ones …my first encounter with PAIN I mean the really brutal encounter was when I lost my mother..as a child I was really afraid to grow up thinking that if I grew up my parents and dear relatives will grow old and I will have to see them die. That thought used to freeze me when I was only 6 yrs old….I used to sit in rooms and mull over it but I never told this to anyone.

When the day I lost my mother I had no idea that the real pain would be far greater than I had imagined. My father is a strong man and he never made himself vulnerable in front of anyone during this loss and so I decided I will not cry and just accept the pain as with the loss. I saw many of my relatives howling and crying but I stayed calm and dissociated myself with the fact that she is gone.

So basically I became numb to the PAIN and moved away when I felt emotionally battered I shifted my focus to studies or be with friends etc. But at one point I felt I am cheating my self as I could not just be all right or pretend I was all right when I was not . I had a tough time accepting that it is all right to be with this PAIN and respect the pain and live it …. I will never complain or make it a reason of my suffering instead will respect this parting away. The pain made me super sensitive to people and their pain and suffering. Healing and consultation needs a lot of empathy, landing into a healing profession and being able to share myself with people in similar situations is a result of knowing and being friendly with the PAIN.

I have realized that PAIN is not a curse or the materialization of our BAD KARMA the way we are told. However it is an opportunity to be present with our self , to be present with our emotions. This is the reason why Buddhism teachings revolve around suffering and PAIN. As children we are always told people who suffer in life are those who have done bad deeds so they have to suffer to neutralize the Karma. Instead the truth is if you use the PAIN to your advantage one can create a whole new meaning of life. The suffering is a result of not being able to to use the pain to our advantage instead trying to run away from it or hide. When we see pain as a deviation from the normal it becomes unacceptable or something that should be avoided so if you are in pain divert your mind, join a dance class, watch a movie or get drunk.

I am sure many of us have tried these escapes but what happens ?? The next time it come in as a more stronger wave of emotion. What if I told you PAIN is good , it is alright perfectly alright to have a failed relationship, it is alright to be hopeless and miserable. When we try things in life there are fair chances to be successful or fail. This is perfectly normal. That is how we learn , somethings are not meant for us …if we all got 100 percent in all our subjects we will never know what we are really really good at.

Our dear President APJ Abdul Kalam wanted to be an Air Force pilot however failed in his exam here is an excerpt from his writing:

I still remember the ache in my heart as I attempted to make sense of what had happened. When a dearly held desire begins to break up, one can feel nothing but despair and emptiness as one tries to come to terms with the end of a dream. I could not bear to be indoors after seeing the result. I had to go out for air and be in the open, because all around me the walls seemed to close in. I walked around for a while till I reached the edge of a cliff. I stood there looking down at the shimmering waters of a lake and wondered what I should do next. Plans needed to be changed and priorities reassessed. I decided to go to Rishikesh for a few days and seek a new way forward.

I was granted an audience with Swami Sivananda himself. My being a Muslim did not affect him in any way. Instead, before I could speak, he asked what had filled me with sorrow. I only fleetingly wondered how he knew about my sadness before I embarked on any explanation of the recent developments in my life. He listened calmly and then washed away my anxieties with a smile of deep peacefulness. His next words were some of the most profound I had ever heard. His feeble yet deep voice still resonates when I think of them: “Accept your destiny and go ahead with your life. You are not destined to become an air force pilot. What you are destined to become is not revealed now but it is predetermined. Forget this failure, as it was essential to lead you to your destined path. Search, instead, for the true purpose of your existence.”

We need no clue as to what happened to this gentleman post his failure 🙂 but at that point in life it was a dream crashing down.He could have mulled over it for life , committed a suicide, got drunk or what ever you can imagine 🙂

In the scheme of larger things there are no mistakes and no coincidences. You are where you are suppose to be at this very moment. Mistakes in life help you to find your way when you are lost. Getting lost is not a crime we were not born with an inbuilt GPS system 😛 right?

A beautiful video clip: It is Perfectly Normal to make mistakes in life, our parents , society, friends have to be compassionate and acceptable to the idea of failure and pain.We will have to change the way we have been looking at people and situations. Today’s generation is taking more risks , trying out more than our previous generations and hence they have more to learn and explore and this can only happen when we learn to fail and accept the pain that follows it.

There are no MISTAKES in life !! I repeat no mistakes it is just how the source brings you back to your life path….so stop grinning ,complaining, cursing instead ask your self what is the next right move… that is it …stop thinking about how big the situation is …you just need that next right move…..

TIPS to Deal with Pain:

1. Be Vulnerable – Allow yourself to be exposed to being ok in asking for help or sharing your story with people. do not shut your self. Most of the time we tell people we are self sufficient and can survive well by meeting our own needs. This is actually a common lie we tell ourselves often because we hesitate to fulfill that need by asking anyone for it as it makes us vulnerable and prone to be rejected or hurt.
However it is empowering to know that we can create people and situations to show up in our reality through manifestation. So we can manifest people having complimentary needs thereby leading to a more fulfilling life.

2.Instead of Looking at your whole life focus on the next right move – Most of us when fail in life we start fearing the uncertainities of life. We want to know what will happen to me 2yrs post a divorce, will I get the right partner, will I be having financial security etc etc. This thought process takes up the strength to move ahead in life.

Instead when we are in a lot of mess the only question we should think about is the next right move and then follow it with next right move and so on. Future is created every moment by moving in the right direction. So just follow your joy. Live an hour better and then the next and it will make up a beautiful day.

3.Create your ME Time – We are living in an ocean of thought forms sometime what we think is a result of what my next door neighbor is projecting in his thoughts. It is very important to distinguish your thoughts from the borrowed thought form of your environment. So take some time out to meditate to be able to connect your self to know what should be your life like.

4. Self Love – This is my favorite remember you cannot love anyone if you do not love yourself. Make your feelings , your life a priority till you get comfortable living it every day. A happy person can only create happiness around himself/herself.

5. Do Service – Do random acts of kindness and create difference in life of others it brings immense amount of joy and we also realize that life is a gift which  should be used well.

Sargam is an experienced Relationship Counsellor and uses energy healing techniques for guidance and healing of emotional issues. She also runs a 21 Day Relationship Healing event with more than 2500 participants online. If you need guidance fix up a skype session, mail your question or fix up a telephonic session, take prior appointment on healingmindbodynsoul@gmail.com

Learning the Language of Love – Secret to Mutual Happy Relationships

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Sargam Quotes Love Language

I am sure we all have asked questions in our relationship about ‘Why is my relationship not working the way it used to be’ at some point in our life. I have heard words in sessions like “Our love is gone, there is no spark in our relationship. We used to feel close, but I think he doesn’t love me any more. Is he seeing someone else, we do not enjoy being with each other. etc etc. If they seem familiar to you probably you are struggling in speaking the right emotional Love Language of your partner. As Gary Chapman explains in his best selling book ‘No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese,you will never understand how to show love to each other.’ At the heart of human existence there is a deep desire to be intimate and to be loved.Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

We all need love to feel good; each of us has an emotional love tank and it is important to keep it full for a healthy relationship. Having healthy arguments, disagreements and view points are perfectly alright now and then.

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

When we are ‘In Love’ we have these amazing chemical releases within our bodies so initially our partner appears to be the perfect soul mate we could ever have but gradually we get immune to these chemical activity and start to descend from the clouds of imaginations and plant our feet on earth to experience the reality. We can then recognize the irritating personality traits of our partner, where hairs are always in the sink and little white spots on the mirror, where arguments center around whether the toilet door should be closed or the lid should be up or down. In this real world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies and marriage a battlefield.

All this is a normal life of a couple; most of the time we have two options

1. We are destined to a life of misery with our spouse (or may be just fool around outside)

2. We must jump ship and try again( Re marriage)

Or there is a better way: Just reorganize the love experience 🙂 I know when we do not have any love around having to reorganize the love experience does not make sense. Lets understand it, if someone is extremely hungry he/she will want to eat but if he/she is all full even if you bring in the best of dishes he will say no. Same thing is with love if a person’s love tank is full , he will feel secure, the whole world looks bright and will want to focus on more meaningful things in life.

Here is an example of a couple:

I tell Selena I love her at least a few times each day – but the phrase has very little bearing on whether or not she feels loved. I can say it, text it, email it, and write it in the clouds but if my actions don’t show her I love her the words quickly lose their meaning – they’re merely a quick breath of air formed into three syllables of consonants and vowels.

I also show Selena I love her by kissing her. But kisses I give to her don’t mean as much as her kisses given to me. Why? Because we speak different love languages… Selena feels most loved when we spend good amounts of quality time together with good conversation. Nothing fills her love-bucket like a devoted day together – free from distraction and diversion. If I give her a kiss or tell her I love her after a day together, she knows it and she feels it.

I’m learning that speaking her language, her love language, actually involves very little speaking at all. Saying “I love you” with words is much more meaningful when it’s reinforced by action.

I believe it’s our duty as husbands (and wives) to learn how to best communicate love to our spouses. Once learned, it then becomes our glad obligation to speak their language regularly.

Let us see what these Love Languages are:

5 love language sargam

Dr. Gary Chapman has identified 5 Major Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmations – Verbal Compliments, or word of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.

2. Acts of Service – For these people actions speak louder than words, doing the dishes, helping in with kids/home are their way of accepting love

3. Receiving Gifts – For some people what makes them feel most loved is to receive gifts

4. Quality Time – For these people it is about spending good quality time with their partner, no more phone calls, private vacation, a nice long drive or just a hearty talk

5. Physical Touch – A nice hug, a pat on the shoulder, a kiss or just holding hands these people want to feel the love in the touch.

I know you must be wondering that we all love may be to have all 5 of them but there is a primary love language and we should try to learn master it for both ourselves and for our spouse.

Here is how you can start to know what is your primary love language there is a short quiz:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Here is a step by step approach to start your Love Language journey 🙂

Step 1. Find out what is your Primary Love Language and also what is your partner’s

Step 2. Sit together when you are in each other’s happy company and try to learn more about it.

Step 3. Explore what works for both of you

Step 4. Learn to keep the Love Tank Full in your relationship by avoiding gestures (refer table below to start)

Step 5. Forgive and let go of the past and See your marriage and your partner in a brighter light

Disclaimer :All the above steps work only if you can love your self first. Refer my blog on Self Love. Remember a beggar can never give so first fill up your love tank with self love and then work on your relationship.

https://sargammishra.wordpress.com/2014/05/19/there-is-no-secret-ingredient-self-love/

Understand every relationship can become beautiful , it just needs an emotional commitment and YOU can be the trigger.

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You can also read “The 5 Love Languages”  – By Dr. Gary Chapman and try experimenting. I am also adding few videos for you all. Have a wonderful relationship. – Love Sargam

Come Lets Return To Love

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“Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.”

– The Prophet Kahlil Gibran

Love is the most amazing human emotion and the most misinterpreted one as well . After a decade of falling in love and being married and hearing and sorting out marriages and love stories of friends my idea of love has evolved too. I  feel , possessiveness, sacrificing, worrying, over protectiveness, and expecting others to change is not love. As parents taking decision on kids behalf in the name of “I care and I know your good better” is not love. Deciding a child’s career or the right partner or even friends and not allowing the child to try his own will is not love. Forcing a child to compete , whether it is by saying see your friend eats much faster than you or he gets better grades is definitely not love.

Sargam Return to Love Quote

Every time someone does anything for us we label it as LOVE and when people do not fit in that label anymore we say they do not LOVE us. So What is actually LOVE? A new born child is a perfect example of what LOVE is ;it is just being the authentic self, no conditions attached. Whether he/she cries, gets cranky or has forced you into sleepless nights. The only thing you can do about it is enjoy its BEING , you still feed it, change its nappy and try to put it to sleep.And a smile on the toddler just makes your heart GROW. As parents most of our preconceived notions of love change so the equation of give and take just changes. We do not seek to change our baby but rather start appreciating the blessing the beauty it already is.

When I speak to couples going through relationship issues during counselling sessions the whole conversation revolves around ‘I thought he/she would change and adjust as per my needs, as per my family needs, she will sacrifice, compromise… Oh I married just because I thought he/she will grow up, be more responsible, work on her self’ etc etc etc….. there is a list of HOW I WISH …..  and that is the end of the relationship 🙂

During healing sessions projecting lots of love and affection towards the patient makes healing quicker. Sometimes I hear comments like no one has cared for me the way you do and I find it really sad to see that love is rare and may want to label through a relationship/friendship etc. There are no different kinds of LOVE believe me there is nothing like a child’s love, a mother’s love, god’s love , healer’s love ..  😛 LOVE is just LOVE. We just experience the depth of love being in all different roles .Love is tenderness of mother’s care, love is boyfriend’s hug, love is when a father hold her child’s hand while crossing the road, love is in mom’s food, friend’s care, silence after a kiss 🙂

If you are unable to find a deep intimate relationship in your life the reason is not because you are unable to find LOVE but your own distorted understanding of Love. Love is about the intimacy two individuals share from a space of total comfort. Where you allow the person to see through you; you do not force the person to see you the way you project but much more deep. So the elementary knowledge of love that we see in movies, in fairy tales does not work in real life real intimate love is more like a Ph D 😉

Love is not about idealizing the projected image of a partner or our own opinion and picture of them instead it is about going deep and exploring the real person he/she is and expressing appreciation and gratitude for this being. There is no person on this planet who is not worthy of love as we all are made in that essence.

As Marianne Williamson says” It is’nt the absence of people in our life that causes pain, but rather what we do with them when they’re there.”

So when we get a loving girlfriend , we forget our parents, when we get a beautiful wife we forget our friends , when we get women to have fun outside marriage we forget our wife……….so in reality we are never able to nourish any relationship and in the end we are ALONE.

You know why a search for love is endless?? As the love we seek is always there within us. So the day you have understood love, love will find you no matter where you are. Love can be beautifully understood from nature.

“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky. – Rumi (Hafiz)

Great romantic relationships are based on intimacy and appreciation and by helping them access their highest . The fairy tale called “The Frog Prince” reveals a deep psychological connection between our attitudes towards people and their capacity for transformation. In the story, a princess kisses a frog and he becomes a prince. What this signifies is the miraculous power of love to create a context in which people naturally blossom into their highest potential. Neither nagging to get people to change, criticizing or fixing can do that.

frog prince

You can only understand people in life if you can love them. “What is not Loved is not Understood”  We hold our self separate and wait people to earn our love. But people deserve our love for what they were created to be and that is their Authentic Self. As long as we wait for them to be anything better, we will constantly be disappointed.

When we choose to approve and give pure love to people , the miracle kicks both ways – This is the key  – Love Sargam

When I See YOUR FACE IS NOT A THING I WILL CHANGE BECAUSE GIRL YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – Bruno Mars

Escaping ME by Seeing YOU – I cannot escape myself

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“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” — Rumi

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Being born under the sun sign Pisces I love to escape from people and situations that are stressful into my own safe zone. This is an area I am constantly working with full awareness as even if I escape for a week or two or even for months once I am back I see more reasons to escape again 🙂

Most of us feel the same way even while counselling sessions I have discovered the problems are usually a blame on the external situations and people in our life. But in truth it is an escape from self , we are constantly running from situations and people which reflect our own inner self and as we constantly keep trying to change things outside and fail we are not able to change the situations/circumstances in our life.

In our close relationships we see the same situation, if a partner has a poor self image he/she will want others to help improve his/her self image. This leads to situations where he will want constant attention, respect and love and if the due attention is not given it will lead to rejection, sorrow and regret. The problem is most of us do not love our self and expect others to take charge of our happiness the truth is that all of us our struggling with our own self .

The escape from others is in truth an escape from self the other person is just a mirror he/she has nothing to do with their love/care/affection towards us they merely reflect our own feelings.

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There is nothing that can upset you except yourself, No one can give you anything that you do not take. Mostly it is your own nature that you cannot handle and you expect others to take care of which may not always be possible and you will end up feeling rejected.

Most of us need to cultivate love, compassion,faith and a deep respect for our own inner being once this relationship with self is established everything outside will change. As I sit writing this article I feel so much at ease to know I need to go nowhere to make a change to my life ; these are my own inner veils that need to fall to let go of my own fears.

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Here is a beautiful song by Jessica Simpson  I belong to Me 🙂

 

Be LOVE To Attract LOVE

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“The minute I heard my first love story,I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.They’re in each other all along.” 
― Rumi, The Illuminated Rumi

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Relationships are getting challenging in recent times, there is a constant struggle between partners as to who is the BOSS 🙂 With women taking up power positions and men losing the role  as providers in a family there are obvious insecurities in relationships. A midst all this people still want to have loving and nurturing relationships as love is the food we all crave for.

Two people can be in a relationship only if they are a vibrational match to each other. You attract people into your life who mirror what you give. In other words, what you vibrate, is what comes back to you – and there is no vibration higher than LOVE.

Love Affirmations

What ever we want in love it can only come to you if you start giving it without conditions. Most of the people want their relationships to run one way. So we find either of the couple only giving or only receiving and then the relationships reaches a crisis where the one who is only giving has no more left to give and the other who is receiving can no more receive.

Also a very salient feature in love is “YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE” it also applies materialistically 🙂 So the number one thing is to keep your love tank full by first loving yourself and accept yourself unconditionally. No one in the world can make you feel worthy if you yourself reject yourself.

Love IS or it IS’NT there is nothing like I loved you a year back, but not now …. if it is so the case then it was never LOVE 🙂

Most of the us hurt ourselves time and again to gain love and empathy or to test our loved ones and finally,  get hurt as the response is not what we expect. We have a hard time accepting ourselves and we continue tp tax our partners for not filling the gap.

Change is inevitable but no one can change the other person, LOVE IS ABOUT ACCEPTANCE OF GOOD BAD and UGLY and being non judgmental. Security in love is when there is no I or YOU it is WE, the insecurity is only when there is EGO.

Be Love in all ways, show love for yourself , respect yourself , practice self freedom, practice self trust and sincerity for your own self and then only then you can be LOVE”

It’s a story of hope. For twenty years, The 5 Love Languages has been improving marriages… one language at a time

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