This blog is a part of a conversation with a parent whose child recently went through a break up and was extremely miserable. It is really amazing how thoughts get triggered when I am put in situation 🙂 The approach that was followed by the parent was to provide the child as many self help tips and valuable advise that was available to disconnect him from the PAIN but finally there was nothing that was actually working for him. The reason that I feel that self help gyan, spirituality etc does not work at this time is because it means we are somewhere we are not suppose to be.
I was just thinking if we keep reinforcing that the situation due to which a person is in PAIN is something that in first place should not happen and if it has happened one needs to be out of it asap or run from it. This can create a feeling of shame or failure in the child/person. Instead if we can follow the approach that it is just OKAY to go through a situation in life to learn as we are not born with experience instead we gather it on our life journey, this becomes a more positive situation for the child/person.
It takes 3 seconds flat to come to this life and realize PAIN is part of our life. But it takes an entire life to accept the reality that YES PAIN is a part of our life and it is OKAY…….Stop running away from facing the reality that yes life will be painful whenever we will fall out of a relationship, or when we will lose our loved ones …my first encounter with PAIN I mean the really brutal encounter was when I lost my mother..as a child I was really afraid to grow up thinking that if I grew up my parents and dear relatives will grow old and I will have to see them die. That thought used to freeze me when I was only 6 yrs old….I used to sit in rooms and mull over it but I never told this to anyone.
When the day I lost my mother I had no idea that the real pain would be far greater than I had imagined. My father is a strong man and he never made himself vulnerable in front of anyone during this loss and so I decided I will not cry and just accept the pain as with the loss. I saw many of my relatives howling and crying but I stayed calm and dissociated myself with the fact that she is gone.
So basically I became numb to the PAIN and moved away when I felt emotionally battered I shifted my focus to studies or be with friends etc. But at one point I felt I am cheating my self as I could not just be all right or pretend I was all right when I was not . I had a tough time accepting that it is all right to be with this PAIN and respect the pain and live it …. I will never complain or make it a reason of my suffering instead will respect this parting away. The pain made me super sensitive to people and their pain and suffering. Healing and consultation needs a lot of empathy, landing into a healing profession and being able to share myself with people in similar situations is a result of knowing and being friendly with the PAIN.
I have realized that PAIN is not a curse or the materialization of our BAD KARMA the way we are told. However it is an opportunity to be present with our self , to be present with our emotions. This is the reason why Buddhism teachings revolve around suffering and PAIN. As children we are always told people who suffer in life are those who have done bad deeds so they have to suffer to neutralize the Karma. Instead the truth is if you use the PAIN to your advantage one can create a whole new meaning of life. The suffering is a result of not being able to to use the pain to our advantage instead trying to run away from it or hide. When we see pain as a deviation from the normal it becomes unacceptable or something that should be avoided so if you are in pain divert your mind, join a dance class, watch a movie or get drunk.
I am sure many of us have tried these escapes but what happens ?? The next time it come in as a more stronger wave of emotion. What if I told you PAIN is good , it is alright perfectly alright to have a failed relationship, it is alright to be hopeless and miserable. When we try things in life there are fair chances to be successful or fail. This is perfectly normal. That is how we learn , somethings are not meant for us …if we all got 100 percent in all our subjects we will never know what we are really really good at.
Our dear President APJ Abdul Kalam wanted to be an Air Force pilot however failed in his exam here is an excerpt from his writing:
I still remember the ache in my heart as I attempted to make sense of what had happened. When a dearly held desire begins to break up, one can feel nothing but despair and emptiness as one tries to come to terms with the end of a dream. I could not bear to be indoors after seeing the result. I had to go out for air and be in the open, because all around me the walls seemed to close in. I walked around for a while till I reached the edge of a cliff. I stood there looking down at the shimmering waters of a lake and wondered what I should do next. Plans needed to be changed and priorities reassessed. I decided to go to Rishikesh for a few days and seek a new way forward.
I was granted an audience with Swami Sivananda himself. My being a Muslim did not affect him in any way. Instead, before I could speak, he asked what had filled me with sorrow. I only fleetingly wondered how he knew about my sadness before I embarked on any explanation of the recent developments in my life. He listened calmly and then washed away my anxieties with a smile of deep peacefulness. His next words were some of the most profound I had ever heard. His feeble yet deep voice still resonates when I think of them: “Accept your destiny and go ahead with your life. You are not destined to become an air force pilot. What you are destined to become is not revealed now but it is predetermined. Forget this failure, as it was essential to lead you to your destined path. Search, instead, for the true purpose of your existence.”
We need no clue as to what happened to this gentleman post his failure 🙂 but at that point in life it was a dream crashing down.He could have mulled over it for life , committed a suicide, got drunk or what ever you can imagine 🙂
In the scheme of larger things there are no mistakes and no coincidences. You are where you are suppose to be at this very moment. Mistakes in life help you to find your way when you are lost. Getting lost is not a crime we were not born with an inbuilt GPS system 😛 right?
A beautiful video clip: It is Perfectly Normal to make mistakes in life, our parents , society, friends have to be compassionate and acceptable to the idea of failure and pain.We will have to change the way we have been looking at people and situations. Today’s generation is taking more risks , trying out more than our previous generations and hence they have more to learn and explore and this can only happen when we learn to fail and accept the pain that follows it.
There are no MISTAKES in life !! I repeat no mistakes it is just how the source brings you back to your life path….so stop grinning ,complaining, cursing instead ask your self what is the next right move… that is it …stop thinking about how big the situation is …you just need that next right move…..
TIPS to Deal with Pain:
1. Be Vulnerable – Allow yourself to be exposed to being ok in asking for help or sharing your story with people. do not shut your self. Most of the time we tell people we are self sufficient and can survive well by meeting our own needs. This is actually a common lie we tell ourselves often because we hesitate to fulfill that need by asking anyone for it as it makes us vulnerable and prone to be rejected or hurt.
However it is empowering to know that we can create people and situations to show up in our reality through manifestation. So we can manifest people having complimentary needs thereby leading to a more fulfilling life.
2.Instead of Looking at your whole life focus on the next right move – Most of us when fail in life we start fearing the uncertainities of life. We want to know what will happen to me 2yrs post a divorce, will I get the right partner, will I be having financial security etc etc. This thought process takes up the strength to move ahead in life.
Instead when we are in a lot of mess the only question we should think about is the next right move and then follow it with next right move and so on. Future is created every moment by moving in the right direction. So just follow your joy. Live an hour better and then the next and it will make up a beautiful day.
3.Create your ME Time – We are living in an ocean of thought forms sometime what we think is a result of what my next door neighbor is projecting in his thoughts. It is very important to distinguish your thoughts from the borrowed thought form of your environment. So take some time out to meditate to be able to connect your self to know what should be your life like.
4. Self Love – This is my favorite remember you cannot love anyone if you do not love yourself. Make your feelings , your life a priority till you get comfortable living it every day. A happy person can only create happiness around himself/herself.
5. Do Service – Do random acts of kindness and create difference in life of others it brings immense amount of joy and we also realize that life is a gift which should be used well.
Sargam is an experienced Relationship Counsellor and uses energy healing techniques for guidance and healing of emotional issues. She also runs a 21 Day Relationship Healing event with more than 2500 participants online. If you need guidance fix up a skype session, mail your question or fix up a telephonic session, take prior appointment on email@example.com