picture courtesy internet
We judge, love doesn’t. We judge and we judge and we never stop judging for that is all we know what to do.
When we judge we separate from love for it is impossible to be in the heart and to judge at the same time.
We all want to experience our Authentic Self but most of us are living a life putting up different masks. So there are many versions of “Me” : For Friends, for close Relationships, for Professional work and sometimes a version of Me for Me in my dark moments and Me in my Happy Moments.
Can you imagine how much time and effort we spend in maintaining and living these different versions of ME?? And sometimes living so many lives in one life we end up exhausted unable to live the life we really wanted to. Being vulnerable or being our true self is considered a weakness by many of us. It is hard for us to see and accept people when they are open about their life issues and problems. Sometimes we just don’t want to express our sadness and sorrows as we want to deal with them alone. It was really interesting for me when I started on my relationship journey there were interesting situations that just cropped up every few months and I always wonder if my relationship was worth pursuing. Most of my friends appeared super happy, later when we spoke in depth I realized how everyone had their own struggles. Due to our own internal wow of secrecy and The I AM ALRIGHT SYNDROME when things may not be alright at all ; we create barriers and boundaries in relationships. Most issues in relationships are because of avoiding vulnerability. As exposing our weaknesses in a relationship makes us feel powerless , at high risk of being hurt. But we only realize it later that one can develop deeper bonds by connecting with others once we have exposed ourselves completely.
“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”
Most of us go through similar situations, when a loved one passes away, when we are in a broken relationship, when there are family issues we just act to be ALL RIGHT due to this internal Vow of Secrecy. The fear of being judged and being labelled as vulnerable is so big that we just don’t want to share. So we remain with the wounds for the rest of our life and energetically we obstruct the flow of the life force energy within us.
As human beings we thrive and grow on LOVE ; the moment we create boundaries and barriers for love to flow we restrict the flow of life force energy within us.This manifests as physical and emotional illness. Healing can only happen when we are ready to be vulnerable, when we are open to share the pain and issues no matter how deep and ugly they are.
We talk about feeling One with god and one with all this “Oneness” is only possible when we are able to open ourselves and allow healing of our wounds.Our shadow aspects or darker areas of life can only be healed when we allow or open up to receiving the love and light.
Our Modern medicine system is highly evolved but it fails miserably because by medicine alone we cannot heal the broken heart that causes heart disease. We cannot heal diabetes by injecting and controlling insulin because there needs to be an emotional clearing. We are losing our connection with our own feelings and emotions ; we are unable to listen to what our bodies are telling us. As a friend, a parent or a loved one the only thing we can do is help people be their authentic self ; allow them to be vulnerable to love. We are emotional beings and any healing will not help if it does not address the emotions by touching our hearts. We need healers, counselors and coaches that can help us as friends ,walk with us no matter how broken we are.
When we are vulnerable we put away the fancy airs
we put on and drop our self-image, which is always
hoping to look a little better than we actually feel.
“The most important key to finding the Love of the heart is found in our willingness and ability to be vulnerable”
Think about it. When you don’t love all of you and are afraid to show people the less than stellar parts, the space between you and vulnerability is like the Grand Canyon. You will need all the courage you can get to make the leap across.
But when you love yourself, and I mean all of you, you don’t worry so much if someone else doesn’t. And when you’re less afraid of rejection, you step right into that place of openness.
You don’t just learn it once and then—ta-dah!—you’re easily open to everything and everyone. It takes constant practice and deliberate choice to be vulnerable.
With vulnerability, you experience true connection—true love for yourself—and you begin to attract people to you who are inspired by your openness.
While it’s not easy to be vulnerable, you’d be surprised how loving all of you and then sharing it with another can help you to connect with anyone. In my own life, I’m continuing to open up through my blogs and by sharing my experiences.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
― Brené Brown
There are many couples who resent about how they had thought their partner would transform post marriage/ committed relationships.Some expect a formal husband and wife relationship after being friends for years..others fantasize their partners to change their lifestyle (e.g. quit smoking, lose weight, curtail being with friends)..but most of the times the outcome of such illusions is resentments. When we expect people to change or put conditions in any relationship we are not in Love with their authentic self but in love with our own expectations.
When you Love someone , Love them for who they are not for what they can be. Life is all about “Loving in the PRESENT”
“Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.”
– The Prophet Kahlil Gibran
Love is the most amazing human emotion and the most misinterpreted one as well . After a decade of falling in love and being married and hearing and sorting out marriages and love stories of friends my idea of love has evolved too. I feel , possessiveness, sacrificing, worrying, over protectiveness, and expecting others to change is not love. As parents taking decision on kids behalf in the name of “I care and I know your good better” is not love. Deciding a child’s career or the right partner or even friends and not allowing the child to try his own will is not love. Forcing a child to compete , whether it is by saying see your friend eats much faster than you or he gets better grades is definitely not love.
Every time someone does anything for us we label it as LOVE and when people do not fit in that label anymore we say they do not LOVE us. So What is actually LOVE? A new born child is a perfect example of what LOVE is ;it is just being the authentic self, no conditions attached. Whether he/she cries, gets cranky or has forced you into sleepless nights. The only thing you can do about it is enjoy its BEING , you still feed it, change its nappy and try to put it to sleep.And a smile on the toddler just makes your heart GROW. As parents most of our preconceived notions of love change so the equation of give and take just changes. We do not seek to change our baby but rather start appreciating the blessing the beauty it already is.
When I speak to couples going through relationship issues during counselling sessions the whole conversation revolves around ‘I thought he/she would change and adjust as per my needs, as per my family needs, she will sacrifice, compromise… Oh I married just because I thought he/she will grow up, be more responsible, work on her self’ etc etc etc….. there is a list of HOW I WISH ….. and that is the end of the relationship 🙂
During healing sessions projecting lots of love and affection towards the patient makes healing quicker. Sometimes I hear comments like no one has cared for me the way you do and I find it really sad to see that love is rare and may want to label through a relationship/friendship etc. There are no different kinds of LOVE believe me there is nothing like a child’s love, a mother’s love, god’s love , healer’s love .. 😛 LOVE is just LOVE. We just experience the depth of love being in all different roles .Love is tenderness of mother’s care, love is boyfriend’s hug, love is when a father hold her child’s hand while crossing the road, love is in mom’s food, friend’s care, silence after a kiss 🙂
If you are unable to find a deep intimate relationship in your life the reason is not because you are unable to find LOVE but your own distorted understanding of Love. Love is about the intimacy two individuals share from a space of total comfort. Where you allow the person to see through you; you do not force the person to see you the way you project but much more deep. So the elementary knowledge of love that we see in movies, in fairy tales does not work in real life real intimate love is more like a Ph D 😉
Love is not about idealizing the projected image of a partner or our own opinion and picture of them instead it is about going deep and exploring the real person he/she is and expressing appreciation and gratitude for this being. There is no person on this planet who is not worthy of love as we all are made in that essence.
As Marianne Williamson says” It is’nt the absence of people in our life that causes pain, but rather what we do with them when they’re there.”
So when we get a loving girlfriend , we forget our parents, when we get a beautiful wife we forget our friends , when we get women to have fun outside marriage we forget our wife……….so in reality we are never able to nourish any relationship and in the end we are ALONE.
You know why a search for love is endless?? As the love we seek is always there within us. So the day you have understood love, love will find you no matter where you are. Love can be beautifully understood from nature.
“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky. – Rumi (Hafiz)
Great romantic relationships are based on intimacy and appreciation and by helping them access their highest . The fairy tale called “The Frog Prince” reveals a deep psychological connection between our attitudes towards people and their capacity for transformation. In the story, a princess kisses a frog and he becomes a prince. What this signifies is the miraculous power of love to create a context in which people naturally blossom into their highest potential. Neither nagging to get people to change, criticizing or fixing can do that.
You can only understand people in life if you can love them. “What is not Loved is not Understood” We hold our self separate and wait people to earn our love. But people deserve our love for what they were created to be and that is their Authentic Self. As long as we wait for them to be anything better, we will constantly be disappointed.
When we choose to approve and give pure love to people , the miracle kicks both ways – This is the key – Love Sargam
When I See YOUR FACE IS NOT A THING I WILL CHANGE BECAUSE GIRL YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – Bruno Mars
When we make a mistake and keep justifying in order to avoid embarrassment we actually lead ourselves to more mistakes. Acceptance leads to expansion , when we accept things, life and people as they are we release resistance.
We do not get better by overriding or overcoming our difficulties. We get better by understanding and accepting them. Acceptance is a stepping stone to a change to a new and better you and your world.
Accept the past as past, without denying it or discarding it. Reminisce about it, but do not live in it. Learn from it, but do not punish yourself about it or continually regret it. Most of all, do not get stuck in it… move forward. Each day brings you closer to your well-deserved destiny.”
Lots of Love Sargam 🙂