brene brown | Sargam Mishra

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. – Brené Brown

Sargam Mishra boundaries in relationships

This is going to be interesting 🙂 possibly the people pleasers might feel a bit offended but the reason why I am writing this blog is help all of you connect with your personal truth. Boundaries sound like a resistance in relationships but as a relationship consultant and energy healer I have learned how important it is to define our boundaries for personal happiness and growth.

Boundaries differentiate you as a person from others because of your uniqueness as an individual. Your individuality is your personal truth , your identity which defines your like, dislikes , preferences and create a sense of self. So today Sargam is different from ABC not only because of the way she looks but also because of her individuality…same applies to you.

However as soon as you get in a relationship specially love relationships you try to fit in to the expectations of your self. Expectations of your family, society, friends and the list is quite long……You do this to feel valued , to be loved, to be accepted and you easily cross your own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual boundaries in order to be accepted as a good wife, daughter in law, mother….

What-is-a-Porous-Boundary-and-Why-is-it-Making-Me-Overweight-

So for example 1st day of the marriage and you are expected to dress a certain way and sit among relatives when you are dying to catch some sleep. You compromise on your emotional boundaries and give in to the expectations….then the next some more….a week later some more compromises and then after 10 years of marriage you realise that you are UNHAPPY some of us are Totally burned out and just want to give up pretending any more and they do but then there are some who accept this way of life and continue to pretend all is good.

I get to talk to both kind of people the one who have given up on a relationship because it was too much of pain and hurt and violation of personal boundaries and also those who continue in the sad marriage and need to reconnect with their personal boundaries to find happiness, self love in life.

couple-bed

Most of the relationship problem happen because we are not conditioned to speak about our personal boundaries , our likes , dislikes , emotional needs, physical desires, aspirations…. instead we want people to either guess them for us or we expect that they will also sacrifice their likes , dislikes, emotional needs , physical desires for us… you must have heard the C word COMPROMISE in relationships. This is what some of your elders would have told you time and again just give yourself for love, marriage , your partner …. but trust me it does not work for long. This is one of the major reasons of a physical condition arthritis in men and women , the suppressed emotions locks up their joints. With pent up solar plexus and small heart chakra (the major energy centres in human anatomy) , diabetes, blood pressure, heart disease become the expression of the pain and suffering you have accumulated by being numb to your own emotions.

Relationships should never survive on pulling people out of their personal boundaries

You do not have good personal boundaries if :

You are unable to say NO
You feel Guilty after doing something
When you feel you are acting against your integrity
You are unable to communicate how you feel
You are unable to check people if they violate your personal boundaries
Emotionally you feel unhappy

you can't pour from an empty cup.jpg

If you have been constantly engaging in the above behaviour you have personally violated your own personal boundaries. This is a sign of lack of self love and though I have been blowing the horn of self love in all my workshops it is very important to understand it.

YOU CANNOT GIVE OTHERS WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

So if feel you can love others when you are constantly out of alignment with your joy, happiness, purpose in life .. you are telling a lie to yourself. If you think you can love people when you do not love your self ….. you can never be in a healthy , happy , nurturing relationship. You cannot pour from an empty cup my friend

Love is about filling your cup and then overflowing to fill others.I know it sounds harsh but this is the TRUTH.

To be able to enjoy your life, to be able to live an extraordinary intense life.. you need to connect with your internal GPS you have to connect with your emotions and feelings. You have to be aligned with your personal truth. Only you can know your boundaries as no one else can feel on your behalf. No one can also teach you about creating personal boundaries.

Knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom

How Do I Create My Personal Boundaries?

It is a simple exercise but you will have to practise it every day to be able to discover your personal boundaries. Create a journal about things you really love and things that upset you try to derive your boundaries based on it.
Sit comfortably and as you reflect on your day identify the situations where you did not feel happy. Then ask yourself what was upsetting about the situation , write it down and then ask yourself what is the boundary that was violated? make a note of it. So for example somebody in office made a lewd remark and it was uncomfortable but others just laughed and moved on with their work. Just understand why were you hurt with this situation and what can you do to feel better. May be you feel you can tell the person it was not comfortable or may be just not participate in such gatherings. It is upto you.
Practise honouring your feeling and emotions and communicate them with love and kindness
Be conscious about how you feel in different situations to understand your own needs and desires
Make Self love a conscious choice you can read my blog on Self Love
Practise being Authentic, do not fake your emotions and feeling once you get in this trap of faking there is no escape

Boundaries are created to create more loving and meaningful relationships do not use them to resist people and situation because resistance is an out of alignment behaviour.

Also remember your boundaries will evolve with time so be flexible based on your relationships and your own self ascension. When you will become more and more in tune and aware of your boundaries you will start honouring the boundaries of others because you will understand how valuable it is to maintain healthy boundaries. So you may start out by feeling separate in the beginning but gradually you will understand that the ego evolves but discovering self happiness, self joy and self love and then it becomes appreciative as it understands everything is actually an expression of the source and hence is able to appreciate the oneness aspect.

If you like the blog post a comment and leave your email I will share my new Opening the Heart Centre Visualisation with you – Anahata Blossom

So as a mother my boundaries have expanded to include my child’s happiness but this is in alignment with my happiness. This is a mutual win win in any relationship. Allowing children to define their boundaries is one of the most empowering gift you can give them. So stop invalidating their fears, their insecurities instead hear them out and tell them you understand.

Samaira evaluating my notes on today’s blog 🙂

Love and Light

Sargam

We judge, love doesn’t. We judge and we judge and we never stop judging for that is all we know what to do.

When we judge we separate from love for it is impossible to be in the heart and to judge at the same time.

We all want to experience our Authentic Self but most of us are living a life putting up different masks. So there are many versions of “Me” : For Friends, for close Relationships, for Professional work and sometimes a version of Me for Me in my dark moments and Me in my Happy Moments.

Can you imagine how much time and effort we spend in maintaining and living these different versions of ME?? And sometimes living so many lives in one life we end up exhausted unable to live the life we really wanted to. Being vulnerable or being our true self is considered a weakness by many of us. It is hard for us to see and accept people when they are open about their life issues and problems. Sometimes we just don’t want to express our sadness and sorrows as we want to deal with them alone. It was really interesting for me when I started on my relationship journey there were interesting situations that just cropped up every few months and I always wonder if my relationship was worth pursuing. Most of my friends appeared super happy, later when we spoke in depth I realized how everyone had their own struggles. Due to our own internal wow of secrecy and The I AM ALRIGHT SYNDROME when things may not be alright at all ; we create barriers and boundaries in relationships. Most issues in relationships are because of avoiding vulnerability. As exposing our weaknesses in a relationship makes us feel powerless , at high risk of being hurt. But we only realize it later that one can develop deeper bonds by connecting with others once we have exposed ourselves completely.

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”

Most of us go through similar situations, when a loved one passes away, when we are in a broken relationship, when there are family issues we just act to be ALL RIGHT due to this internal Vow of Secrecy. The fear of being judged and being labelled as vulnerable is so big that we just don’t want to share. So we remain with the wounds for the rest of our life and energetically we obstruct the flow of the life force energy within us.

As human beings we thrive and grow on LOVE ; the moment we create boundaries and barriers for love to flow we restrict the flow of life force energy within us.This manifests as physical and emotional illness. Healing can only happen when we are ready to be vulnerable, when we are open to share the pain and issues no matter how deep and ugly they are.

We talk about feeling One with god and one with all this “Oneness” is only possible when we are able to open ourselves and allow healing of our wounds.Our shadow aspects or darker areas of life can only be healed when we allow or open up to receiving the love and light.

Our Modern medicine system is highly evolved but it fails miserably because by medicine alone we cannot heal the broken heart that causes heart disease. We cannot heal diabetes by injecting and controlling insulin because there needs to be an emotional clearing. We are losing our connection with our own feelings and emotions ; we are unable to listen to what our bodies are telling us. As a friend, a parent or a loved one the only thing we can do is help people be their authentic self ; allow them to be vulnerable to love. We are emotional beings and any healing will not help if it does not address the emotions by touching our hearts. We need healers, counselors and coaches that can help us as friends ,walk with us no matter how broken we are.

When we are vulnerable we put away the fancy airs
we put on and drop our self-image, which is always
hoping to look a little better than we actually feel.

“The most important key to finding the Love of the heart is found in our willingness and ability to be vulnerable”

1.Vulnerability is so much easier when you love yourself.

Think about it. When you don’t love all of you and are afraid to show people the less than stellar parts, the space between you and vulnerability is like the Grand Canyon. You will need all the courage you can get to make the leap across.

But when you love yourself, and I mean all of you, you don’t worry so much if someone else doesn’t. And when you’re less afraid of rejection, you step right into that place of openness.

2. Vulnerability takes practice

You don’t just learn it once and then—ta-dah!—you’re easily open to everything and everyone. It takes constant practice and deliberate choice to be vulnerable.

3. The rewards of vulnerability are immeasurable.

With vulnerability, you experience true connection—true love for yourself—and you begin to attract people to you who are inspired by your openness.

While it’s not easy to be vulnerable, you’d be surprised how loving all of you and then sharing it with another can help you to connect with anyone. In my own life, I’m continuing to open up through my blogs and by sharing my experiences.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
― Brené Brown