Category Archives: Relationship

Jul28

Emotional PAIN – Doorway to Inner Alchemy

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Sargam Mishra

This blog is a part of a conversation with a parent whose child recently went through a break up and was extremely miserable. It is really amazing how thoughts get triggered when I am put in situation 🙂 The approach that was followed by the parent was to provide the child as many self help tips and valuable advise that was available to disconnect him from the PAIN but finally there was nothing that was actually working for him. The reason that I feel that self help gyan, spirituality etc does not work at this time is because it means we are somewhere we are not suppose to be.

I was just thinking if we keep reinforcing that the situation due to which a person is in PAIN is something that in first place should not happen and if it has happened one needs to be out of it asap or run from it. This can create a feeling of shame or failure in the child/person. Instead if we can follow the approach that it is just OKAY to go through a situation in life to learn as we are not born with experience instead we gather it on our life journey, this becomes a more positive situation for the child/person.

It takes 3 seconds flat to come to this life and realize PAIN is part of our life. But it takes an entire life to accept the reality that YES PAIN is a part of our life and it is OKAY…….Stop running away from facing the reality that yes life will be painful whenever we will fall out of a relationship, or when we will lose our loved ones …my first encounter with PAIN I mean the really brutal encounter was when I lost my mother..as a child I was really afraid to grow up thinking that if I grew up my parents and dear relatives will grow old and I will have to see them die. That thought used to freeze me when I was only 6 yrs old….I used to sit in rooms and mull over it but I never told this to anyone.

When the day I lost my mother I had no idea that the real pain would be far greater than I had imagined. My father is a strong man and he never made himself vulnerable in front of anyone during this loss and so I decided I will not cry and just accept the pain as with the loss. I saw many of my relatives howling and crying but I stayed calm and dissociated myself with the fact that she is gone.

So basically I became numb to the PAIN and moved away when I felt emotionally battered I shifted my focus to studies or be with friends etc. But at one point I felt I am cheating my self as I could not just be all right or pretend I was all right when I was not . I had a tough time accepting that it is all right to be with this PAIN and respect the pain and live it …. I will never complain or make it a reason of my suffering instead will respect this parting away. The pain made me super sensitive to people and their pain and suffering. Healing and consultation needs a lot of empathy, landing into a healing profession and being able to share myself with people in similar situations is a result of knowing and being friendly with the PAIN.

I have realized that PAIN is not a curse or the materialization of our BAD KARMA the way we are told. However it is an opportunity to be present with our self , to be present with our emotions. This is the reason why Buddhism teachings revolve around suffering and PAIN. As children we are always told people who suffer in life are those who have done bad deeds so they have to suffer to neutralize the Karma. Instead the truth is if you use the PAIN to your advantage one can create a whole new meaning of life. The suffering is a result of not being able to to use the pain to our advantage instead trying to run away from it or hide. When we see pain as a deviation from the normal it becomes unacceptable or something that should be avoided so if you are in pain divert your mind, join a dance class, watch a movie or get drunk.

I am sure many of us have tried these escapes but what happens ?? The next time it come in as a more stronger wave of emotion. What if I told you PAIN is good , it is alright perfectly alright to have a failed relationship, it is alright to be hopeless and miserable. When we try things in life there are fair chances to be successful or fail. This is perfectly normal. That is how we learn , somethings are not meant for us …if we all got 100 percent in all our subjects we will never know what we are really really good at.

Our dear President APJ Abdul Kalam wanted to be an Air Force pilot however failed in his exam here is an excerpt from his writing:

I still remember the ache in my heart as I attempted to make sense of what had happened. When a dearly held desire begins to break up, one can feel nothing but despair and emptiness as one tries to come to terms with the end of a dream. I could not bear to be indoors after seeing the result. I had to go out for air and be in the open, because all around me the walls seemed to close in. I walked around for a while till I reached the edge of a cliff. I stood there looking down at the shimmering waters of a lake and wondered what I should do next. Plans needed to be changed and priorities reassessed. I decided to go to Rishikesh for a few days and seek a new way forward.

I was granted an audience with Swami Sivananda himself. My being a Muslim did not affect him in any way. Instead, before I could speak, he asked what had filled me with sorrow. I only fleetingly wondered how he knew about my sadness before I embarked on any explanation of the recent developments in my life. He listened calmly and then washed away my anxieties with a smile of deep peacefulness. His next words were some of the most profound I had ever heard. His feeble yet deep voice still resonates when I think of them: “Accept your destiny and go ahead with your life. You are not destined to become an air force pilot. What you are destined to become is not revealed now but it is predetermined. Forget this failure, as it was essential to lead you to your destined path. Search, instead, for the true purpose of your existence.”

We need no clue as to what happened to this gentleman post his failure 🙂 but at that point in life it was a dream crashing down.He could have mulled over it for life , committed a suicide, got drunk or what ever you can imagine 🙂

In the scheme of larger things there are no mistakes and no coincidences. You are where you are suppose to be at this very moment. Mistakes in life help you to find your way when you are lost. Getting lost is not a crime we were not born with an inbuilt GPS system 😛 right?

A beautiful video clip: It is Perfectly Normal to make mistakes in life, our parents , society, friends have to be compassionate and acceptable to the idea of failure and pain.We will have to change the way we have been looking at people and situations. Today’s generation is taking more risks , trying out more than our previous generations and hence they have more to learn and explore and this can only happen when we learn to fail and accept the pain that follows it.

There are no MISTAKES in life !! I repeat no mistakes it is just how the source brings you back to your life path….so stop grinning ,complaining, cursing instead ask your self what is the next right move… that is it …stop thinking about how big the situation is …you just need that next right move…..

TIPS to Deal with Pain:

1. Be Vulnerable – Allow yourself to be exposed to being ok in asking for help or sharing your story with people. do not shut your self. Most of the time we tell people we are self sufficient and can survive well by meeting our own needs. This is actually a common lie we tell ourselves often because we hesitate to fulfill that need by asking anyone for it as it makes us vulnerable and prone to be rejected or hurt.
However it is empowering to know that we can create people and situations to show up in our reality through manifestation. So we can manifest people having complimentary needs thereby leading to a more fulfilling life.

2.Instead of Looking at your whole life focus on the next right move – Most of us when fail in life we start fearing the uncertainities of life. We want to know what will happen to me 2yrs post a divorce, will I get the right partner, will I be having financial security etc etc. This thought process takes up the strength to move ahead in life.

Instead when we are in a lot of mess the only question we should think about is the next right move and then follow it with next right move and so on. Future is created every moment by moving in the right direction. So just follow your joy. Live an hour better and then the next and it will make up a beautiful day.

3.Create your ME Time – We are living in an ocean of thought forms sometime what we think is a result of what my next door neighbor is projecting in his thoughts. It is very important to distinguish your thoughts from the borrowed thought form of your environment. So take some time out to meditate to be able to connect your self to know what should be your life like.

4. Self Love – This is my favorite remember you cannot love anyone if you do not love yourself. Make your feelings , your life a priority till you get comfortable living it every day. A happy person can only create happiness around himself/herself.

5. Do Service – Do random acts of kindness and create difference in life of others it brings immense amount of joy and we also realize that life is a gift which should be used well.

Sargam is an experienced Relationship Counsellor and uses energy healing techniques for guidance and healing of emotional issues. She also runs a 21 Day Relationship Healing event with more than 2500 participants online. If you need guidance fix up a skype session, mail your question or fix up a telephonic session, take prior appointment on healingmindbodynsoul@gmail.com

Sep4

Learning the Language of Love – Secret to Mutual Happy Relationships

Posted on September 4, 2014 by Sargam Mishra

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Sargam Quotes Love Language

I am sure we all have asked questions in our relationship about ‘Why is my relationship not working the way it used to be’ at some point in our life. I have heard words in sessions like “Our love is gone, there is no spark in our relationship. We used to feel close, but I think he doesn’t love me any more. Is he seeing someone else, we do not enjoy being with each other. etc etc. If they seem familiar to you probably you are struggling in speaking the right emotional Love Language of your partner. As Gary Chapman explains in his best selling book ‘No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese,you will never understand how to show love to each other.’ At the heart of human existence there is a deep desire to be intimate and to be loved.Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

We all need love to feel good; each of us has an emotional love tank and it is important to keep it full for a healthy relationship. Having healthy arguments, disagreements and view points are perfectly alright now and then.

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven

When we are ‘In Love’ we have these amazing chemical releases within our bodies so initially our partner appears to be the perfect soul mate we could ever have but gradually we get immune to these chemical activity and start to descend from the clouds of imaginations and plant our feet on earth to experience the reality. We can then recognize the irritating personality traits of our partner, where hairs are always in the sink and little white spots on the mirror, where arguments center around whether the toilet door should be closed or the lid should be up or down. In this real world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies and marriage a battlefield.

All this is a normal life of a couple; most of the time we have two options

1. We are destined to a life of misery with our spouse (or may be just fool around outside)

2. We must jump ship and try again( Re marriage)

Or there is a better way: Just reorganize the love experience 🙂 I know when we do not have any love around having to reorganize the love experience does not make sense. Lets understand it, if someone is extremely hungry he/she will want to eat but if he/she is all full even if you bring in the best of dishes he will say no. Same thing is with love if a person’s love tank is full , he will feel secure, the whole world looks bright and will want to focus on more meaningful things in life.

Here is an example of a couple:

I tell Selena I love her at least a few times each day – but the phrase has very little bearing on whether or not she feels loved. I can say it, text it, email it, and write it in the clouds but if my actions don’t show her I love her the words quickly lose their meaning – they’re merely a quick breath of air formed into three syllables of consonants and vowels.

I also show Selena I love her by kissing her. But kisses I give to her don’t mean as much as her kisses given to me. Why? Because we speak different love languages… Selena feels most loved when we spend good amounts of quality time together with good conversation. Nothing fills her love-bucket like a devoted day together – free from distraction and diversion. If I give her a kiss or tell her I love her after a day together, she knows it and she feels it.

I’m learning that speaking her language, her love language, actually involves very little speaking at all. Saying “I love you” with words is much more meaningful when it’s reinforced by action.

I believe it’s our duty as husbands (and wives) to learn how to best communicate love to our spouses. Once learned, it then becomes our glad obligation to speak their language regularly.

Let us see what these Love Languages are:

Dr. Gary Chapman has identified 5 Major Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmations – Verbal Compliments, or word of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.

2. Acts of Service – For these people actions speak louder than words, doing the dishes, helping in with kids/home are their way of accepting love

3. Receiving Gifts – For some people what makes them feel most loved is to receive gifts

4. Quality Time – For these people it is about spending good quality time with their partner, no more phone calls, private vacation, a nice long drive or just a hearty talk

5. Physical Touch – A nice hug, a pat on the shoulder, a kiss or just holding hands these people want to feel the love in the touch.

I know you must be wondering that we all love may be to have all 5 of them but there is a primary love language and we should try to learn master it for both ourselves and for our spouse.

Here is how you can start to know what is your primary love language there is a short quiz:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Here is a step by step approach to start your Love Language journey 🙂

Step 1. Find out what is your Primary Love Language and also what is your partner’s

Step 2. Sit together when you are in each other’s happy company and try to learn more about it.

Step 3. Explore what works for both of you

Step 4. Learn to keep the Love Tank Full in your relationship by avoiding gestures (refer table below to start)

Step 5. Forgive and let go of the past and See your marriage and your partner in a brighter light

Disclaimer :All the above steps work only if you can love your self first. Refer my blog on Self Love. Remember a beggar can never give so first fill up your love tank with self love and then work on your relationship.

https://sargammishra.wordpress.com/2014/05/19/there-is-no-secret-ingredient-self-love/

Understand every relationship can become beautiful , it just needs an emotional commitment and YOU can be the trigger.

You can also read “The 5 Love Languages” – By Dr. Gary Chapman and try experimenting. I am also adding few videos for you all. Have a wonderful relationship. – Love Sargam

Aug31

Come Lets Return To Love

Posted on August 31, 2014 by Sargam Mishra

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“Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.”

– The Prophet Kahlil Gibran

Love is the most amazing human emotion and the most misinterpreted one as well . After a decade of falling in love and being married and hearing and sorting out marriages and love stories of friends my idea of love has evolved too. I feel , possessiveness, sacrificing, worrying, over protectiveness, and expecting others to change is not love. As parents taking decision on kids behalf in the name of “I care and I know your good better” is not love. Deciding a child’s career or the right partner or even friends and not allowing the child to try his own will is not love. Forcing a child to compete , whether it is by saying see your friend eats much faster than you or he gets better grades is definitely not love.

Every time someone does anything for us we label it as LOVE and when people do not fit in that label anymore we say they do not LOVE us. So What is actually LOVE? A new born child is a perfect example of what LOVE is ;it is just being the authentic self, no conditions attached. Whether he/she cries, gets cranky or has forced you into sleepless nights. The only thing you can do about it is enjoy its BEING , you still feed it, change its nappy and try to put it to sleep.And a smile on the toddler just makes your heart GROW. As parents most of our preconceived notions of love change so the equation of give and take just changes. We do not seek to change our baby but rather start appreciating the blessing the beauty it already is.

When I speak to couples going through relationship issues during counselling sessions the whole conversation revolves around ‘I thought he/she would change and adjust as per my needs, as per my family needs, she will sacrifice, compromise… Oh I married just because I thought he/she will grow up, be more responsible, work on her self’ etc etc etc….. there is a list of HOW I WISH ….. and that is the end of the relationship 🙂

During healing sessions projecting lots of love and affection towards the patient makes healing quicker. Sometimes I hear comments like no one has cared for me the way you do and I find it really sad to see that love is rare and may want to label through a relationship/friendship etc. There are no different kinds of LOVE believe me there is nothing like a child’s love, a mother’s love, god’s love , healer’s love .. 😛 LOVE is just LOVE. We just experience the depth of love being in all different roles .Love is tenderness of mother’s care, love is boyfriend’s hug, love is when a father hold her child’s hand while crossing the road, love is in mom’s food, friend’s care, silence after a kiss 🙂

If you are unable to find a deep intimate relationship in your life the reason is not because you are unable to find LOVE but your own distorted understanding of Love. Love is about the intimacy two individuals share from a space of total comfort. Where you allow the person to see through you; you do not force the person to see you the way you project but much more deep. So the elementary knowledge of love that we see in movies, in fairy tales does not work in real life real intimate love is more like a Ph D 😉

Love is not about idealizing the projected image of a partner or our own opinion and picture of them instead it is about going deep and exploring the real person he/she is and expressing appreciation and gratitude for this being. There is no person on this planet who is not worthy of love as we all are made in that essence.

As Marianne Williamson says” It is’nt the absence of people in our life that causes pain, but rather what we do with them when they’re there.”

So when we get a loving girlfriend , we forget our parents, when we get a beautiful wife we forget our friends , when we get women to have fun outside marriage we forget our wife……….so in reality we are never able to nourish any relationship and in the end we are ALONE.

You know why a search for love is endless?? As the love we seek is always there within us. So the day you have understood love, love will find you no matter where you are. Love can be beautifully understood from nature.

“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, “You owe me.” Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky. – Rumi (Hafiz)

Great romantic relationships are based on intimacy and appreciation and by helping them access their highest . The fairy tale called “The Frog Prince” reveals a deep psychological connection between our attitudes towards people and their capacity for transformation. In the story, a princess kisses a frog and he becomes a prince. What this signifies is the miraculous power of love to create a context in which people naturally blossom into their highest potential. Neither nagging to get people to change, criticizing or fixing can do that.

You can only understand people in life if you can love them. “What is not Loved is not Understood” We hold our self separate and wait people to earn our love. But people deserve our love for what they were created to be and that is their Authentic Self. As long as we wait for them to be anything better, we will constantly be disappointed.

When we choose to approve and give pure love to people , the miracle kicks both ways – This is the key – Love Sargam

When I See YOUR FACE IS NOT A THING I WILL CHANGE BECAUSE GIRL YOU ARE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE – Bruno Mars

May4

Escaping ME by Seeing YOU – I cannot escape myself

Posted on May 4, 2014 by Sargam Mishra

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“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” — Rumi

Being born under the sun sign Pisces I love to escape from people and situations that are stressful into my own safe zone. This is an area I am constantly working with full awareness as even if I escape for a week or two or even for months once I am back I see more reasons to escape again 🙂

Most of us feel the same way even while counselling sessions I have discovered the problems are usually a blame on the external situations and people in our life. But in truth it is an escape from self , we are constantly running from situations and people which reflect our own inner self and as we constantly keep trying to change things outside and fail we are not able to change the situations/circumstances in our life.

In our close relationships we see the same situation, if a partner has a poor self image he/she will want others to help improve his/her self image. This leads to situations where he will want constant attention, respect and love and if the due attention is not given it will lead to rejection, sorrow and regret. The problem is most of us do not love our self and expect others to take charge of our happiness the truth is that all of us our struggling with our own self .

The escape from others is in truth an escape from self the other person is just a mirror he/she has nothing to do with their love/care/affection towards us they merely reflect our own feelings.

There is nothing that can upset you except yourself, No one can give you anything that you do not take. Mostly it is your own nature that you cannot handle and you expect others to take care of which may not always be possible and you will end up feeling rejected.

Most of us need to cultivate love, compassion,faith and a deep respect for our own inner being once this relationship with self is established everything outside will change. As I sit writing this article I feel so much at ease to know I need to go nowhere to make a change to my life ; these are my own inner veils that need to fall to let go of my own fears.

Here is a beautiful song by Jessica Simpson I belong to Me 🙂

Mar18

Be LOVE To Attract LOVE

Posted on March 18, 2014 by Sargam Mishra

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“The minute I heard my first love story,I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.They’re in each other all along.”
― Rumi, The Illuminated Rumi

Relationships are getting challenging in recent times, there is a constant struggle between partners as to who is the BOSS 🙂 With women taking up power positions and men losing the role as providers in a family there are obvious insecurities in relationships. A midst all this people still want to have loving and nurturing relationships as love is the food we all crave for.

Two people can be in a relationship only if they are a vibrational match to each other. You attract people into your life who mirror what you give. In other words, what you vibrate, is what comes back to you – and there is no vibration higher than LOVE.

Love Affirmations

What ever we want in love it can only come to you if you start giving it without conditions. Most of the people want their relationships to run one way. So we find either of the couple only giving or only receiving and then the relationships reaches a crisis where the one who is only giving has no more left to give and the other who is receiving can no more receive.

Also a very salient feature in love is “YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE” it also applies materialistically 🙂 So the number one thing is to keep your love tank full by first loving yourself and accept yourself unconditionally. No one in the world can make you feel worthy if you yourself reject yourself.

Love IS or it IS’NT there is nothing like I loved you a year back, but not now …. if it is so the case then it was never LOVE 🙂

Most of the us hurt ourselves time and again to gain love and empathy or to test our loved ones and finally, get hurt as the response is not what we expect. We have a hard time accepting ourselves and we continue tp tax our partners for not filling the gap.

Change is inevitable but no one can change the other person, LOVE IS ABOUT ACCEPTANCE OF GOOD BAD and UGLY and being non judgmental. Security in love is when there is no I or YOU it is WE, the insecurity is only when there is EGO.

“Be Love in all ways, show love for yourself , respect yourself , practice self freedom, practice self trust and sincerity for your own self and then only then you can be LOVE”

It’s a story of hope. For twenty years, The 5 Love Languages has been improving marriages… one language at a time

Feb5

Life is all about the Choices You Make

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Sargam Mishra

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“Life is all about the choices we make “

I am sure we all have heard it many a times ???So have I but this is a very profound statement. In life when you have made a decision causing sad repercussions and after effects that are beyond our control we end up looking for people and situations to use as a reason.

Let me take an example from a recent case of emotional infidelity between a couple. During a relationship counselling I was speaking to the husband and he was explaining that there is a reason why a spouse cheats on his partner. There is always a reason for taking up any step in life. The thing I really enjoy about counselling is that every person has his own philosophy of life 🙂 They will have their own carefully thought logic to every situation in their life. So according to him a partner should be capable enough to hold the attention of the spouse to ensure the marriage is affair proof. This made the husband feel less guilty because according to him it was just a way to find solace and love in his life which he was missing miserably.

To understand a relationship one has to listen to both the parties as every person has a story to tell from their individual vantage point in life. The woman to not be able to provide the required emotional support in marriage she had her own reasons a list of issues with the husband and his family. While speaking to her , I realized that in life there is nothing as right or wrong it is just a perception. Most of the times couples look life from their own perspective their own likes and dislikes, judgement of each other and they make a choice or decision based on it. Today as each one of us is independent we are capable of making our own choices based on our likes and dislikes. Most of our issues in life are based on the inbuilt mechanism of judgement within us due to social and religious programming.

The social systems train you to create strong likes and dislikes about so many things. When you think you are in love with someone, you exaggerate all the good qualities in them. When you hate someone, you exaggerate all the bad qualities in them or invent some. You – as a person, not as a being – are who you are only because of your likes and dislikes. It is your likes and dislikes that determine your personality and distinguish you as a person.Your likes and dislikes are the basis of the falsehood that you have created in the form of your personality. If you stop clinging to them, your personality will vanish ‒ you will become flexible and wonderful.

At any point of time if we base our life decision on what is right instead of being driven by what I like or dislike the decision becomes a conscious choice. This is a big change in our personality; it will not happen in a day but if we make it a part of our day to day life to choose what is right and not base it on our likes and dislikes we can move towards spontaneous right action. This will also narrow down on the choices as well as the internal confusion on what decision to take at any cross road of life.

May your decisions be based upon what truly matters and works, not upon your likes and dislikes. ~ Sadhguru

So when you are standing on the cross roads of making a vital decision in life You can ask these two simple questions

1. What is the right thing for me to do based on the choice I make?

2. Will it give me and the people around me happiness?

These two small questions can help us in a great way. It helps us to ensure that the decisions that we are taking is not based on our judgement. If all life is made with the same life force then who are we to judge each other based on our own likes and dislikes. Our belief and ideology how a person should be is based on our social and physical conditioning and it is different for each one of us. If we keep imposing our own likes and dislikes over people we are trying to take away their individual unique self and instead trying to make our own clones.

If one makes the right choice, the right things will happen. If one makes the wrong choice, wrong things will happen. It is a very fair and just existence on this planet. If pain, suffering or misery happens to you, it is not time to look around. This is always the problem: If you are miserable, you think somebody else needs to be fixed. No. If you are miserable, what you call as “myself” needs to be fixed, not someone else.

The second question that we ask is will it bring happiness to me and to people around me? Why is it important to think about other’s happiness when the decision is related to me? As a conscious human we understand that the universe works on the “Law of Oneness” even though we want to assume we are alone and can live in a silo this is not how things are in the universe.It is a magnificent creation of God and so everything that we think we are doing to ourself impacts people around us vice versa. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction it is a universal law. It can also be called the “Law of Karma” what I do to others I do to myself.

Life is a gift if each one of us can live life consciously we can create a beautiful world. Today there is immense suffering in the world because each one of us is suffering internally. This internal suffering has to be dealt by doing what is right not for our sake but for the sake of the entire humanity. Each smiling and happy person is contributing to happier planet/world.

Lots of love to all of you

Sargam ♥ ♥